Inevitable

13 years ago I ended a relationship and was sure that there was a real possibility that I was making the biggest mistake of my life.  I remember telling L the whole time I was trying to decide that I knew I would never meet another guy that loved me as much as he did but at the end of the day I was ok with that because I just needed to be free.  So I ended it with the first real boyfriend, first love, first guy I slept with... etc.

I stand by my decision.  Maybe not how I handled it exactly, but the decision.  I just wasn't the girl that could settle with the fact that I met the love of my life at 17.  And when you see my sister, who did the same thing but married him and is so happy, it seems weird but that's how we're different.  I just couldn't accept that my life adventures independently were done.  I knew I would wake up later in life and slowly resent him for never being me by myself in adulthood.  And I loved my 20's.  I loved being single, being daring, being ridiculous so many times but at the end of the day, being me and learning who me was.   

It wasn't an easy decision and at the time I couldn't articulate why I wanted to end it.  My friends will tell you it was because he couldn't keep a job, let me pay for everything and was too jealous/possessive.  These things were true to a point, but they forget the very end because I didn't point it out.  The day I left him, he had a great job and we were doing great, I just felt claustrophobic.  I couldn't explain it... I just needed out.  I broke.  I'd given him everything, except the rest of my life...

We still have mutual friends.  And everyone remembers us as the perfect couple and I'm not going to lie, we really were.  So lately my friend P who is related to his BFF's wife keeps telling me we should get back together.  We're both single so why not.  Apparently she says so to him too.  Explains why a few of the girls reach out from time to time telling me how much they miss the old days.  More recently even L who has been team me for forever has been dropping hints.  Have you hear this, or this, or how good his job is, he has a house now, he's responsible.  She never says I think you should think about giving him another chance because she knows how far that would go with me, but I hear the undertone. 

He got on Facebook last week for the first time and L was telling me all about the stalking she had done and I just have to listen and avoid.  Later that nigh around 12 I get an invite from him.  I really didn't expect it.  It's one thing for all the bystanders to reminisce about the golden couple, but for him to reach out when I literally ripped his heart out was unexpected.  I'm not a cyber stalker by nature anyway but I couldn't even look past his profile picture.  And apparently he and L talked about us both coming to a Halloween party at his house and she asked me about it today.  Luckily I have the excuse of my annual trip to DM for cousin K's party but now I realize it's only a matter of time...  Eventually I could see P and L just making a meeting happen thinking it's not big deal.

But how do I have the conversation I have avoided?  Maybe we would see each other, smile and hug and everything would be cool.  But eventually we'd have to talk about the end, right?  How do I have that conversation?  I loved you more than anything or anyone since, but I was 19 and couldn't allow that to be the end...  I needed to be free and single and crazy and independent before I could be a wife and a mother... and I'm still not sure I'm built to me those things still.  Maybe I was scared?  But I really think I just needed to be me and I'm sorry I damn near killed you in the process.   

All the King's Men

I have a hard time feeling the things I feel let alone articulating what I'm feeling to myself and others on my own.  This has always been the case and I think it's why I have always loved music.  When I was a teen I loved what my friends and family called 'angry girl music' and most of that was because I was in fact a very angry girl deep underneath.  It didn't matter that I couldn't actually relate to the lyrics of passionate love and deep heartache that dominated the genre.  I could relate to the pain and the anger.  When I hear a song and I feel like I could have written the lyrics myself though, it stays with me. 

I heard a song that I've had on my playlist for a couple weeks but today was the first day the lyrics really stuck with me.  The song is by Karmina and the chorus is "All the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn't put me back together again".  I know it was most likely written about a break up but it immediately brought me back to how I felt when I failed treatment the last time. 

I very recently made a promise to someone that I'd address this shit again.  In general everyone thinks I'm fine because I'm not skinny.  Everyone always thinks I'm fine then when the truth is that this is when you should probably be quite concerned that I'm about to spiral.  If I don't eat people notice so the bulimia is back in full force.  I would like nothing more than to start treatment again and be successful but the thought of it brings so much anxiety. 

Within 12 hours of making a promise I'm not sure I can keep, I bought 4 different diet pills online and took out my old food journal where I obsessively calculated and recorded calories a day attempting less and less each day.  I said July would be the month I began again and it automatically awakened the survival instinct of my disorder.  It's like I decided to see how much I can lose before July when I have to be held accountable to Dr. M again.  And if I've learned nothing in the past ten years, it's that I can lose a hell of a lot in 2 months. 

The person I promised, the only one who has acknowledged that they know I'm not doing good, hasn't been in my life that long.  I contemplated today just distancing myself until they were gone and then I wouldn't have to try to get better.  I've done that to plenty and I've been so guarded and cold the past year plus that I could totally pull it off but then I feel like I'm giving up and taking the easy way out. 

But the idea of treatment is scary.  I still have nightmares from the days of visits with Dr. M one night a week, another night with the current psychologist, the next with the nutritionist and the check ins with my general doctor.  There for a while we even through in a neurologist when I started getting severe cluster headaches.  It was a drain financially but it devastated me emotionally.  I shudder to think how my partner and I survived work those days (she was bipolar) with her going off the deep end anytime they altered her meds and me a huge walking ball of anxiety prone to a melt down without warning over the smallest of issues.  I wouldn't have made it without her though.  I trusted her enough to know what my treatment entailed and that helped her predict behavior.  She soon realized what to expect depending on which medical person I would be seeing that day because they each brought on a different kind of anxiety. 

With Dr. M it depended on how I really was doing because she saw through me every time.  It is why I hate her and respect her and continue to see her if I see anyone.  No bullshitting that woman and she didn't hold back from calling me out on it.  If it was psychologist day then I was usually wound tight and irritable already dreading bringing up the past and emotional pain I spent so many years burying.  The worst, though, was nutrition days.  That kind of anxiety was new last go around when I added this component for the only time.  My psychologist promised me she wouldn't put me on  a meal plan and then in session 3 she did.  So every session thereafter I failed.  I don't handle failure well and I perceive it even when I shouldn't.  That was one of the worst things I've experienced.  I tried it for as long as I could and then I just felt like I was going to explode and lose it, so I just quit.  And then I got sicker than I ever had been. 

So here I am again.  If I don't want to start cutting people out then I have to attempt tackling the ED.  I don't know which I'm more afraid of, being overwhelmed and failing treatment yet again... or that when I fail (because I feel like it's inevitable) that I'll get sicker than last time... or that I can't help but be somewhat excited with the idea of being sicker than I've ever been... 

The price of being female

One of my best friends since I moved here in middle school called me tonight crying.  This happens a lot because I've always been her rock, therapist, life coach, etc.  But tonight it wasn't about a breakup or death or hurt feeling of some sort.  Tonight I was taken back to one of the worst phone calls she ever made to me.  "I was raped." 

The first time we were 16.  She called me and made that statement and said she had to go to work and hung up.  My whole world crashed in a way.  It's so sad to say, but almost all of my closest friends have been raped at some time in their lives.  I don't openly admit it, or in my head half the time, but I was too once upon a time ago.  This was the first person I knew though and it was terrible.  How do you be there for someone?  What do you say?  How do you make it better? 

She told her parents, the first time, and they blamed her because there was drinking.  She went to the police and they non-verbally did the same.  The DA didn't take the case at all.  The friend (girl friend of the rapist) blamed her and didn't believe it.  Most of the people at school who heard about it decided she made it up.  That's the society we lived in. 

And today when she was done crying and we were able to talk, I realized it's the world we live in today too.  The only crime where the victim is put on trial.  She already blames herself because she was drinking and she feels stupid trusting her friend's husband.  I asked what she was going to do and she isn't going to go to the police and I don't blame her.  It's more trouble than it's worth to attempt to prosecute for rape. 

She's going to hopefully go to therapy.  I'll push that.  I did mention that in our state it is actually technically illegal to have sex with someone who is intoxicated.  It was a small victory for the rape crisis center and related organizations, but in practice it doesn't really help when DA's can choose not to prosecute and defenses can tear the women apart and juries can judge the woman. 

I've been asked why I think so little of men in general (it was almost innate).  Well... this is just one of the many reasons.  But women on those juries and those making judgement against anyone who outcries are just as much to blame.  My friend is not a part of the 1-2% who lie.  Since when did we decide against the 98-99%?  When a women says she was raped, she was.  The odds are more in favor of a woman saying she wasn't when she was.  Period.