"However people know things about themselves...I knew this. And I was afraid. Yet I wanted it more than anything."
This is where one splits between bulimia and anorexia. I'm almost there again. I know I focus a lot on how terrible the bulimia is (because it is) and how addictive, but once you cross the line it's just as addictive. Maybe more so because you want it. You know it's bad but you want it so much anyway. You know that you can't live your entire life as an anorexic (unless it's a short one) but you so desperately want to try. You're addicted to bulimia because it alleviates the fact that you ate when you didn't want to so let's get it out. It let's you react with food and then erase. But to not need it? To just not eat? To be so so so thin that people notice? That's the goal from the start when you were probably first able to walk. Let's be honest.
I don't think I can put into words what I feel when I think of the times in my life that I actually met diagnostic criteria for anorexia. It's actually pretty sick how proud it makes me that I ever did when so many are 'only just' FEDNOT (or EDNOS). It's sad that I hate thinking I'm 'only' one eating disorder over another.
I fantasize about being anorexic again. It slipped into being a goal once more... though if I'm honest it never stopped being the goal, I just took a break for outside factors. I say it's the relapse, it's the stress and it's because it's easier or I'm addicted.... but maybe it's simpler. It's the status quo. I have lived more years in this fluctuating state than anything else. It feels more normal with a constant war inside than to be without. Dr. M once was helping me because everything was calm and easy in my life and I was more anxious than ever before. She ended up telling me that I unfortunately had conditioned myself to only feel normal when I had an over full plate and more on my to do list than I could ever handle. I think I may be the same with health.
The healthier I am, the more off and anxious I am and then anxiety and insecurity pair and game over. I don't want to count how many relationships have ended due to that friends, family and guys. Life just is easier when I just embrace it all. Just say whatever happens happens. Have faith I will never take it all too far. Because life was never better anytime I lived my life according to everyone else's rules of health.
So back to secrets by omission. I won't lie if anyone asks. It's been a really long time and no one wants make be feel bad by suspecting but it'll come soon. I wonder how it will play out this time.
This is where one splits between bulimia and anorexia. I'm almost there again. I know I focus a lot on how terrible the bulimia is (because it is) and how addictive, but once you cross the line it's just as addictive. Maybe more so because you want it. You know it's bad but you want it so much anyway. You know that you can't live your entire life as an anorexic (unless it's a short one) but you so desperately want to try. You're addicted to bulimia because it alleviates the fact that you ate when you didn't want to so let's get it out. It let's you react with food and then erase. But to not need it? To just not eat? To be so so so thin that people notice? That's the goal from the start when you were probably first able to walk. Let's be honest.
I don't think I can put into words what I feel when I think of the times in my life that I actually met diagnostic criteria for anorexia. It's actually pretty sick how proud it makes me that I ever did when so many are 'only just' FEDNOT (or EDNOS). It's sad that I hate thinking I'm 'only' one eating disorder over another.
I fantasize about being anorexic again. It slipped into being a goal once more... though if I'm honest it never stopped being the goal, I just took a break for outside factors. I say it's the relapse, it's the stress and it's because it's easier or I'm addicted.... but maybe it's simpler. It's the status quo. I have lived more years in this fluctuating state than anything else. It feels more normal with a constant war inside than to be without. Dr. M once was helping me because everything was calm and easy in my life and I was more anxious than ever before. She ended up telling me that I unfortunately had conditioned myself to only feel normal when I had an over full plate and more on my to do list than I could ever handle. I think I may be the same with health.
The healthier I am, the more off and anxious I am and then anxiety and insecurity pair and game over. I don't want to count how many relationships have ended due to that friends, family and guys. Life just is easier when I just embrace it all. Just say whatever happens happens. Have faith I will never take it all too far. Because life was never better anytime I lived my life according to everyone else's rules of health.
So back to secrets by omission. I won't lie if anyone asks. It's been a really long time and no one wants make be feel bad by suspecting but it'll come soon. I wonder how it will play out this time.
No comments:
Post a Comment