I couldn't decide which shows to choose to watch this year so I gave a lot a try and picked after the first 2 episodes which ones to keep. One was Red Band Society. I ended up keeping it and I have to be real so a big part of the reason was that one character is an anorexic girl at the hospital. It just naturally fascinates me to watch someone act out an ED person. It's just so rare I get to feel that 'we have something in common' truly relatable character feeling. It's why I love memoirs. But I think I was also into it because I often wonder how my life would have turned out if I had been 'sick' enough to raise suspicion and alarm when I was a teen. If I had been put in rehab or a hospital early on, would I have really recovered?
No one questioned my health and habits until I lived with a boyfriend (I dismissed the worries) and then took the first ones serious when it was my college friends my senior year of college. Then I went into denial and no one worried again until it was impossible to ignore at work 4 years ago. I was 20-22 the first times and they thought it was just bulimia that was the problem. 4 years ago the restriction became apparent but I was 28... a little late to work on all that...
I watched last night's episode tonight which really struck me. If you don't watch, the character is in the hospital, who isn't actually doing much to rehabilitate but focuses on watching her intake and weight, and as soon as she fakes it enough and gains just enough weight they let her go home. She then goes home and is under such pressure to be normal and eat that she hides in the bathroom and for the first time purges.
It's was really hard to watch for me because I remember being that girl. I remember going from addicted to eating my feelings to gaining weight to trying to fight that by not eating. And I did that so well for years until the social pressures of being normal and eating were so much that I went home desperate after eating with friends I worked with at the Italian place and I broke. I felt she mirrored me tonight when I locked myself in my bathroom, looked in the mirror absolutely hating myself in every way imaginable. And then I saw my toothbrush and I remember thinking if only I could get it all out... I didn't think I could put my finger down my throat (though now 15 year later I almost don't need anything) so I grabbed the toothbrush and purged for the very first time. And everything was better and everything was worse and nothing would ever be the same again.
I cried when it wasn't even a scene worthy of tears because if there was one thing in my entire life I could take back it would be that. And this is from someone who has made so many mistakes one could wish to do over but that would be the one.
I hate how much attention anorexia gets. I'm not saying it's good, but you either deal with learning how to survive with some level of food or you don't. The end. Bulimia, however, is such a silent deadly horrible thing. You can live with it so long and no one knows. And that is why it is so much worse. You do so much more damage for so much longer before anyone notices. And in my opinion it is so much more addictive. And when someone who restricts realizes they can purge when they give in, go on auto pilot or have to appear normal, well game over.
The day I purged and decided I preferred it to the chaos that eating did to me and that it could also throw people off... well that was game over for me. The problem with so many of the ED is that it's not just one you're treating. It's several. And they each need to be dealt with separately and differently but you have to figure out which one you need to deal with and when. I could see a therapist every day and I don't think they could keep up with which version of me to deal with. I guess that's a big part of why I figure I just have to balance and accept them and keep living. It's not perfect but I'm not dying. So there.
No one questioned my health and habits until I lived with a boyfriend (I dismissed the worries) and then took the first ones serious when it was my college friends my senior year of college. Then I went into denial and no one worried again until it was impossible to ignore at work 4 years ago. I was 20-22 the first times and they thought it was just bulimia that was the problem. 4 years ago the restriction became apparent but I was 28... a little late to work on all that...
I watched last night's episode tonight which really struck me. If you don't watch, the character is in the hospital, who isn't actually doing much to rehabilitate but focuses on watching her intake and weight, and as soon as she fakes it enough and gains just enough weight they let her go home. She then goes home and is under such pressure to be normal and eat that she hides in the bathroom and for the first time purges.
It's was really hard to watch for me because I remember being that girl. I remember going from addicted to eating my feelings to gaining weight to trying to fight that by not eating. And I did that so well for years until the social pressures of being normal and eating were so much that I went home desperate after eating with friends I worked with at the Italian place and I broke. I felt she mirrored me tonight when I locked myself in my bathroom, looked in the mirror absolutely hating myself in every way imaginable. And then I saw my toothbrush and I remember thinking if only I could get it all out... I didn't think I could put my finger down my throat (though now 15 year later I almost don't need anything) so I grabbed the toothbrush and purged for the very first time. And everything was better and everything was worse and nothing would ever be the same again.
I cried when it wasn't even a scene worthy of tears because if there was one thing in my entire life I could take back it would be that. And this is from someone who has made so many mistakes one could wish to do over but that would be the one.
I hate how much attention anorexia gets. I'm not saying it's good, but you either deal with learning how to survive with some level of food or you don't. The end. Bulimia, however, is such a silent deadly horrible thing. You can live with it so long and no one knows. And that is why it is so much worse. You do so much more damage for so much longer before anyone notices. And in my opinion it is so much more addictive. And when someone who restricts realizes they can purge when they give in, go on auto pilot or have to appear normal, well game over.
The day I purged and decided I preferred it to the chaos that eating did to me and that it could also throw people off... well that was game over for me. The problem with so many of the ED is that it's not just one you're treating. It's several. And they each need to be dealt with separately and differently but you have to figure out which one you need to deal with and when. I could see a therapist every day and I don't think they could keep up with which version of me to deal with. I guess that's a big part of why I figure I just have to balance and accept them and keep living. It's not perfect but I'm not dying. So there.
No comments:
Post a Comment