It never stops to amaze me, though it shouldn't, how much easier life is when I don't spend all my time trying to be 'normal' and 'healthy'. Things this year have been so stressful and I can't lie, the moment I threw in the towel on recovery for the millionth time everything was so much easier. And I just can't blame myself for it. It's human nature to give in when things get really hard. I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore. At the end of the day, the honest truth is this... I have been much happier while others would label me 'sick' than I have when in 'health'.
I won't go overboard. I can't handle random people making comments to me like 'you know it won't kill you to eat.'. But I'm more stable when I don't focus on being normal. All I do when recovered is beat myself up about how not normal I am in my head. I'm 31. I'm not going to drop dead from some bulimic and anorexic tendencies anymore now than the 18 years on and off again sick. ED kills many, but I seriously doubt I'm one of them. I guess I'm sort of like a functioning alcoholic.
An ED is seriously a screwed up addiction when you think about it. For me it really all started with being addicted to food when younger. I wrapped it all up with emotions and dealing with them until it was actually a problem. If it had been drugs the answer is to quit and never have it again. But if you are addicted to food, you aren't allowed to quit it for good or that becomes an ED of itself. It's like I'm a drug addict who is told I have to quit abusing the drug and learn to use it in moderation. No one would ever advise that of a drug addict, but you do in fact tell that to people are ED.
Maybe if I was more addicted to the starving it would make more sense. Maybe that's what gets true anorexics, but for me it's more about not being able to handle my addiction to eating my feelings. Then I feel guilty and purge and after enough time of purging I have to restrict in order to stop the cycle. It's a terrible rollercoaster. And at the end of the day I feel better restricting. I know that these old habits I'm falling back into are not good, but they seem better than the alternative. My head is too chaotic when trying to pretend to be someone I'm not.
I won't go overboard. I can't handle random people making comments to me like 'you know it won't kill you to eat.'. But I'm more stable when I don't focus on being normal. All I do when recovered is beat myself up about how not normal I am in my head. I'm 31. I'm not going to drop dead from some bulimic and anorexic tendencies anymore now than the 18 years on and off again sick. ED kills many, but I seriously doubt I'm one of them. I guess I'm sort of like a functioning alcoholic.
An ED is seriously a screwed up addiction when you think about it. For me it really all started with being addicted to food when younger. I wrapped it all up with emotions and dealing with them until it was actually a problem. If it had been drugs the answer is to quit and never have it again. But if you are addicted to food, you aren't allowed to quit it for good or that becomes an ED of itself. It's like I'm a drug addict who is told I have to quit abusing the drug and learn to use it in moderation. No one would ever advise that of a drug addict, but you do in fact tell that to people are ED.
Maybe if I was more addicted to the starving it would make more sense. Maybe that's what gets true anorexics, but for me it's more about not being able to handle my addiction to eating my feelings. Then I feel guilty and purge and after enough time of purging I have to restrict in order to stop the cycle. It's a terrible rollercoaster. And at the end of the day I feel better restricting. I know that these old habits I'm falling back into are not good, but they seem better than the alternative. My head is too chaotic when trying to pretend to be someone I'm not.
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