I have 3 lives on FB. The original I started 8 years ago during my last years of college which is my link to friends past, present, and future. It allows me to post funny stories, thoughts, or other info of which I'd rather not share a million times individually. It lets my friends share pics (bc I never have a camera) and gives a nice way for a group of us to have a conversation together without flooding our work email accounts.
I have a second account I started with my professional (legal) name which is my teacher only page. I created it because people I worked with were requesting me and there are just parts of my life that are private. Not that I'm ashamed or do anything wrong, but I live in the south (bible belt) and there are a lot of judgmental people. Plus, the me I am outside of work has nothing to do with the me at work.
Recently I started a third. I've been struggling with the fact that even I can't ignore that I have two me's that fight for control of my life. The me that's always been here and the me that developed when ED started controlling aspects of my life. So I started another account for the me that is ED. I go back and forth from denial and reality. There are times when I will argue that we aren't two different people and that I've never lost control and that it's not a problem. No matter where I may be on the spectrum between the two, the fact of the matter is that there are thoughts and people that I couldn't share or be friends with on my original page that I can on the Alice one. That kind of says it all. I really admire those that I am friends with that have both. I can't. Too much to lose.
I often wonder about the girls that seem to have all the hundreds of us ED identities as friends along with their actual 'real world' friends. How can they do that? My friends would totally freak out. Is it a generational thing? I'm almost 30 and most of these girls are about 20 (a painful amount under). Is it more widely accepted among peers now to be ED? Or are these girls the exception that I just happen to notice. I mean the vast majority of my friends on this page are using aliases like me.
Random thoughts today as I am stuck in my hotel room in the rain at a conference. I also find myself with more time to sift through all the status updates on the Alice account. This may offend some readers and please don't start an argument on my blog, but there are a disturbing amount of 'bigger' (overweight it appears but I've never seen them) girls on there. I didn't notice how many at first because, like mine, their pictures are not themselves. Why did it disturb me? They are seeking advice to become anorexic. I know I've discussed this to some length before on one and/or the other blog, but why on earth would you want to start an addiction? A disorder? Jump down the rabbit hole without knowing how to get out or how hard it will be to do so if you even can?
And I know I don't know them, but I can't help but wonder... Have you tried just cutting calorie intake and increasing exercise? And stuck with that for 6 months consistently? I've never really been physically overweight. I say physically because mentally I feel overweight all the time. It doesn't stop... ever. But I have to think that if I were actually overweight with no history of an ED that I would try that first. Going to no matter what we might say is basically a proana or at least supportive of ana social group seems like it should be a last resort. Or not even that. I'm actually pretty confused.
I joined this huge population of people on FB to remind myself that I'm not alone. That I'm not crazy or a freak. Most of the time I know this on my own, but sometimes I forget and don't see it. Sometimes in the midst of huge amounts of therapy, between all your appointments with different professionals, while you're battling to 'work through' your issues, when all your friends are painfully obviously trying to understand you and support you while not enabling you, or during the periods when you are trying very hard to hide the creeping return of habits that won't die you can forget that you are not alone. When I made my Alice account I felt very alone. I needed to actually see the others out there like me. Some worse, some better and all of us at different points of our journey.
Have I used it as a trigger? Have I used it for diet tips? Have I used it for exercise advice? Of course, but I can do a google search for that if it's what I'm looking for. And I can understand girls in the throws of ED looking for and giving support to other girls with ED. They are in the middle of some of the worse parts of the disorder and that's understandable (to me). I don't understand going on there as a non ED person in hopes that someone will help you become one. I just don't. And really I find it offensive because I would give anything to take it away (when I'm on the reality side of the spectrum and not denial of course).
When I started off restricting, I wanted to be thin. I didn't want to be bones. That crept in over time as thinner was never thin enough. I'm in the middle of another 'relapse' now and struggle with the fact that it's 50/50 with people whether I look great or am too thin. I was called 'sorta boney' by a guy I met the other night as in he honestly would have found me more attractive if I weighed a little more. I'm struggling with staying here because when I look in the mirror and start to see bones I haven't seen in a very long time it's so enticing to keep going. I see skeletal thinspo though and I'm disturbed. I don't want to want to look like that. But when I'm honest, I'm not sure how much control the me that thinks that has anymore.
So again, why would you want that? Why would you start off the bat wanting skeletal (or saying you do)? I feel like ana's are being used to some degree. Like they (and I say they because I don't meet criteria for AN) are the next big fad diet. Like their disorder is something to try and start doing like Atkins. I hate this culture of I want it and I want it now. If you NEED to lose weight and you are not ED then make better food choices and work out or just get some cardio in. I say if you are not ED because it is more complicated if you are. At one point I did need to lose a little weight and I did start off by eating a little less and exercising, but unfortunately I have a tendency to go overboard. But right now I feel like ana has turned into a crash diet to add onto the list of yo-yo dieting that too many people try when the real answer is simpler.
In the spirit of my venting not too long ago about the double standard of overweight versus underweight people I have to say this... Who's crazier? Someone who started off with mild weight loss and issues that spun out of control and into an ED, or someone who straight up decides one day that they want to give anorexia a try to lose some weight?
I have a second account I started with my professional (legal) name which is my teacher only page. I created it because people I worked with were requesting me and there are just parts of my life that are private. Not that I'm ashamed or do anything wrong, but I live in the south (bible belt) and there are a lot of judgmental people. Plus, the me I am outside of work has nothing to do with the me at work.
Recently I started a third. I've been struggling with the fact that even I can't ignore that I have two me's that fight for control of my life. The me that's always been here and the me that developed when ED started controlling aspects of my life. So I started another account for the me that is ED. I go back and forth from denial and reality. There are times when I will argue that we aren't two different people and that I've never lost control and that it's not a problem. No matter where I may be on the spectrum between the two, the fact of the matter is that there are thoughts and people that I couldn't share or be friends with on my original page that I can on the Alice one. That kind of says it all. I really admire those that I am friends with that have both. I can't. Too much to lose.
I often wonder about the girls that seem to have all the hundreds of us ED identities as friends along with their actual 'real world' friends. How can they do that? My friends would totally freak out. Is it a generational thing? I'm almost 30 and most of these girls are about 20 (a painful amount under). Is it more widely accepted among peers now to be ED? Or are these girls the exception that I just happen to notice. I mean the vast majority of my friends on this page are using aliases like me.
Random thoughts today as I am stuck in my hotel room in the rain at a conference. I also find myself with more time to sift through all the status updates on the Alice account. This may offend some readers and please don't start an argument on my blog, but there are a disturbing amount of 'bigger' (overweight it appears but I've never seen them) girls on there. I didn't notice how many at first because, like mine, their pictures are not themselves. Why did it disturb me? They are seeking advice to become anorexic. I know I've discussed this to some length before on one and/or the other blog, but why on earth would you want to start an addiction? A disorder? Jump down the rabbit hole without knowing how to get out or how hard it will be to do so if you even can?
And I know I don't know them, but I can't help but wonder... Have you tried just cutting calorie intake and increasing exercise? And stuck with that for 6 months consistently? I've never really been physically overweight. I say physically because mentally I feel overweight all the time. It doesn't stop... ever. But I have to think that if I were actually overweight with no history of an ED that I would try that first. Going to no matter what we might say is basically a proana or at least supportive of ana social group seems like it should be a last resort. Or not even that. I'm actually pretty confused.
I joined this huge population of people on FB to remind myself that I'm not alone. That I'm not crazy or a freak. Most of the time I know this on my own, but sometimes I forget and don't see it. Sometimes in the midst of huge amounts of therapy, between all your appointments with different professionals, while you're battling to 'work through' your issues, when all your friends are painfully obviously trying to understand you and support you while not enabling you, or during the periods when you are trying very hard to hide the creeping return of habits that won't die you can forget that you are not alone. When I made my Alice account I felt very alone. I needed to actually see the others out there like me. Some worse, some better and all of us at different points of our journey.
Have I used it as a trigger? Have I used it for diet tips? Have I used it for exercise advice? Of course, but I can do a google search for that if it's what I'm looking for. And I can understand girls in the throws of ED looking for and giving support to other girls with ED. They are in the middle of some of the worse parts of the disorder and that's understandable (to me). I don't understand going on there as a non ED person in hopes that someone will help you become one. I just don't. And really I find it offensive because I would give anything to take it away (when I'm on the reality side of the spectrum and not denial of course).
When I started off restricting, I wanted to be thin. I didn't want to be bones. That crept in over time as thinner was never thin enough. I'm in the middle of another 'relapse' now and struggle with the fact that it's 50/50 with people whether I look great or am too thin. I was called 'sorta boney' by a guy I met the other night as in he honestly would have found me more attractive if I weighed a little more. I'm struggling with staying here because when I look in the mirror and start to see bones I haven't seen in a very long time it's so enticing to keep going. I see skeletal thinspo though and I'm disturbed. I don't want to want to look like that. But when I'm honest, I'm not sure how much control the me that thinks that has anymore.
So again, why would you want that? Why would you start off the bat wanting skeletal (or saying you do)? I feel like ana's are being used to some degree. Like they (and I say they because I don't meet criteria for AN) are the next big fad diet. Like their disorder is something to try and start doing like Atkins. I hate this culture of I want it and I want it now. If you NEED to lose weight and you are not ED then make better food choices and work out or just get some cardio in. I say if you are not ED because it is more complicated if you are. At one point I did need to lose a little weight and I did start off by eating a little less and exercising, but unfortunately I have a tendency to go overboard. But right now I feel like ana has turned into a crash diet to add onto the list of yo-yo dieting that too many people try when the real answer is simpler.
In the spirit of my venting not too long ago about the double standard of overweight versus underweight people I have to say this... Who's crazier? Someone who started off with mild weight loss and issues that spun out of control and into an ED, or someone who straight up decides one day that they want to give anorexia a try to lose some weight?
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