Sometimes it does get to me how much my obsession with weight effects every aspect of my life. I was off all week emotionally. Just wasn't myself. Friday I caused my work partner to get upset and that threw me for a huge loop. She's bipolar and I know a lot of the things she said came from her being unstable right now as she gets her meds right, but everything she said was true and threw my flaws in my face. I don't ever need anyone to point out my flaws. I see them all the time and see more than anyone else ever will.
This had me emotional that Friday night as I went to my mom's retirement party at a bar. My sister and I got into it over her being selfish (she wasn't going to go until I made her feel like shit about it) and she told me I needed to get my head checked because I was crazy. One, fuck you. Two, I'm pretty sure I've had it checked out several times (which she knows) and would never claim complete sanity. So I cut her off. Told her never to speak to me again and defriended her on my facebook.
Last night I went out with a big group of friends and spent the getting ready process in a state of panic over what I was going to wear because I felt fat, but I also had to hide my thinness so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone. I drank too much too fast because I was so anxious and then had my roommate come pick me up and left without telling anyone goodbye. In my defense I didn't tell them because I knew someone would have wanted to take me home and I didn't want anyone to have to do that. Also I got wasted because the bartender knew us and not only made our drinks ridiculously strong but also told our table that we would not have a drink tab that night.
I slept all day today and didn't want to get out of bed. When I did, of course the first thing I did (other than pee) was weight myself. I have been low all week because I gained 3 pounds last weekend at the family reunion just like I knew I would. I was at 104 when I left and already sensitive because I was trying really hard to get to 95 by June 1st. When I came back at 107 I was crushed. But I thought that I would lose it fast in a couple days but funny thing about eating, when you start again it's really hard to stop. I got on the scale today and it read 104. This changed everything. I was instantly happy and better than I had been all week. I'm still bummed that I'm set back from the original goal, but at least I'm back to where I was. I wish people understood how happy and anxiety free I am when I'm thinner and how horribly depressed and miserable I am when I gain.
So while I'm centered again it just makes me think about how much this whole thing effects every part of my life. I've been really struggling because I'm getting all these comments about how much weight I've had to of lost and how skinny I am. I don't feel like I have lost that much or that I'm very thin (at least not thin enough anyway). Sometimes I wish I could tattoo I'm ED so don't talk about weight on my forehead so that I wouldn't have to feel the shame and guilt. People have no idea how much words can hurt. It's the comments by those that don't know that are hardest for me. Things like my Aunt when she saw me giving me a hug and saying "You're disappearing! There's not going to be anything left soon." Maybe if I responded "I sure hope so, that's the plan!" maybe the topic could be dropped.
My friends that know are getting on my nerves and I'm totally distancing myself from them as a defense mechanism. I did it last time too and it took a long time to mend the damage. I really REALLY didn't want to go there again. My BF C hasn't spoken to me much or invited me over and I know it's because she can't stand to watch me shrink. My roommate took me out on a walk to ask me if I was okay because I'd been getting very thin. My friend S is trying to convince me to go into treatment over the summer. A just ignores but I feel the distance between us growing. It's pretty much just the big pink elephant in the room with everyone and that causes the anxiety that makes me pull away.
J will as always be my girl this summer. She hates it and fears my shrinking as much as everyone else but she would never cut me off or let me distance myself from her. She can't judge or lecture because she's ED too. She's currently recovered, but still she knows the hell and she's there for me most because of it. I don't think anyone can really be there for me if they aren't ED because if you aren't then you really don't have any idea what the war inside my head is like.
This is why I started my other blog, to give those that care about me a window into my mind. Unfortunately that was when I was committed to recovery and now that I'm not there are things I can't share with them.
The biggest problem now is what to do. I am blessed with dozens of wonderful close friends and I don't want to lose them and my obsession is going to cause loss eventually. But I don't think I'm sick. I restrict. I'm working on the purging and honestly if there wasn't so much pressure from people to eat 'normally' then I wouldn't purge at all. I only do it when I eat things that I wouldn't normally and think I shouldn't. I just don't think there is anything wrong with restriction as long as I'm healthy and I am. I'll be healthy at 95 too. I just wish that everyone could understand that. I'm fine and they are pushing me away because they fear I'm not. I hate this.
This had me emotional that Friday night as I went to my mom's retirement party at a bar. My sister and I got into it over her being selfish (she wasn't going to go until I made her feel like shit about it) and she told me I needed to get my head checked because I was crazy. One, fuck you. Two, I'm pretty sure I've had it checked out several times (which she knows) and would never claim complete sanity. So I cut her off. Told her never to speak to me again and defriended her on my facebook.
Last night I went out with a big group of friends and spent the getting ready process in a state of panic over what I was going to wear because I felt fat, but I also had to hide my thinness so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone. I drank too much too fast because I was so anxious and then had my roommate come pick me up and left without telling anyone goodbye. In my defense I didn't tell them because I knew someone would have wanted to take me home and I didn't want anyone to have to do that. Also I got wasted because the bartender knew us and not only made our drinks ridiculously strong but also told our table that we would not have a drink tab that night.
I slept all day today and didn't want to get out of bed. When I did, of course the first thing I did (other than pee) was weight myself. I have been low all week because I gained 3 pounds last weekend at the family reunion just like I knew I would. I was at 104 when I left and already sensitive because I was trying really hard to get to 95 by June 1st. When I came back at 107 I was crushed. But I thought that I would lose it fast in a couple days but funny thing about eating, when you start again it's really hard to stop. I got on the scale today and it read 104. This changed everything. I was instantly happy and better than I had been all week. I'm still bummed that I'm set back from the original goal, but at least I'm back to where I was. I wish people understood how happy and anxiety free I am when I'm thinner and how horribly depressed and miserable I am when I gain.
So while I'm centered again it just makes me think about how much this whole thing effects every part of my life. I've been really struggling because I'm getting all these comments about how much weight I've had to of lost and how skinny I am. I don't feel like I have lost that much or that I'm very thin (at least not thin enough anyway). Sometimes I wish I could tattoo I'm ED so don't talk about weight on my forehead so that I wouldn't have to feel the shame and guilt. People have no idea how much words can hurt. It's the comments by those that don't know that are hardest for me. Things like my Aunt when she saw me giving me a hug and saying "You're disappearing! There's not going to be anything left soon." Maybe if I responded "I sure hope so, that's the plan!" maybe the topic could be dropped.
My friends that know are getting on my nerves and I'm totally distancing myself from them as a defense mechanism. I did it last time too and it took a long time to mend the damage. I really REALLY didn't want to go there again. My BF C hasn't spoken to me much or invited me over and I know it's because she can't stand to watch me shrink. My roommate took me out on a walk to ask me if I was okay because I'd been getting very thin. My friend S is trying to convince me to go into treatment over the summer. A just ignores but I feel the distance between us growing. It's pretty much just the big pink elephant in the room with everyone and that causes the anxiety that makes me pull away.
J will as always be my girl this summer. She hates it and fears my shrinking as much as everyone else but she would never cut me off or let me distance myself from her. She can't judge or lecture because she's ED too. She's currently recovered, but still she knows the hell and she's there for me most because of it. I don't think anyone can really be there for me if they aren't ED because if you aren't then you really don't have any idea what the war inside my head is like.
This is why I started my other blog, to give those that care about me a window into my mind. Unfortunately that was when I was committed to recovery and now that I'm not there are things I can't share with them.
The biggest problem now is what to do. I am blessed with dozens of wonderful close friends and I don't want to lose them and my obsession is going to cause loss eventually. But I don't think I'm sick. I restrict. I'm working on the purging and honestly if there wasn't so much pressure from people to eat 'normally' then I wouldn't purge at all. I only do it when I eat things that I wouldn't normally and think I shouldn't. I just don't think there is anything wrong with restriction as long as I'm healthy and I am. I'll be healthy at 95 too. I just wish that everyone could understand that. I'm fine and they are pushing me away because they fear I'm not. I hate this.
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