Torn

I feel like I've split in two.  There's the me I am to the people in my daily life and the me that I hide except for on this blog and my anonymous fb page.  I'm not pretending to be one or the other; they are both me which gets confusing.  I'm so torn these days.  One day I think I have a problem and need to get help and the next day or moment I am super defensive to this idea and 100% sure that I don't have a problem.  

I could get into serious treatment and get fully recovered, but I could also realistically live the rest of my life just like this.  I'm not seriously jeopardizing my health.  I'm not underweight, just the lower end of the healthy range.  I could keep this up and that's what I want, but then my logical side kicks in and I'm not so sure.  

I think the logical/objective me is focused on the possible worst case scenario.  I haven't weighed this little since I was 17.  It's not normal to be almost 30 and weigh the same as you did in high school (especially if you were tiny).  But I was completely developed and done growing so I don't think it's bad either.  Granted I still aim to lose 5 more pounds which puts me where I was at 15... But I still wouldn't be underweight.  

Here's where I'm most torn.  Do I stop at 95?  Will I stop at 95?  I've promised myself and everyone else that I will and therefore no one needs to worry.  But if I'm really honest... it eats away at me that I've never weighed little enough to be diagnosed as anorexic.  Stuck forever in EDNOS, a strange state of purgatory.  

I quote her all the time, but in truth I feel like Marya Hornbacher expresses how I feel better than I ever could and on page 153 she nails it again.  "Because I was not visibly sick, the very picture of sick, because I did not warrant the coveted title of Anoretic, I was embarrassed."

Why would being anorexic be a goal of mine?  The truth is that it was a goal I settled on when I was a teen and knew nothing about what I was getting into.  But the fact that I never reached it (aka failed) has never settled well with me.  It shouldn't matter but it does.  I shouldn't be embarrassed that I am not at death's door thin, but I am.  

So am I willing to put my health in jeopardy, worry everyone, damage relationships all to check something off of my 'yet to be completed' list?  So that I don't have to feel embarrassed that while I have eating issues, I'm not dying?  I don't know...