"You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad."
Marya Hornbacher (Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Dread for the weekend...

My best guy friend B is coming home after a year overseas for the military.  I'm super excited to see him but so anxious and worried about the food thing.  How am I suppose to restrict the way I want with so many people around?  Why does every gathering in our culture revolve around food?  I hate purging and I know I will have to do it a lot this weekend.  This always leaves me drained when starting the next week emotionally and physically.  I'm so excited he's back but all the stress almost makes me wish I could skip everything and just stay home.

I lost a pound today which makes me happy.  But now I'm afraid I will gain it back plus some over the weekend.  And right when I decided to try the ABC thing.  Sucks.  I've lost weight since he saw me last too and I know he'll notice.  He's one of those friends that kick your ass over stuff like that.  He's just going to have to accept that the loss was needed and I'm not done yet.

Why didn't I save up my klonopin?!  

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