Honesty that Makes Me Feel Guilty

I was raised with definite contradiction in values.  On one hand I was told how important it was to look at inner beauty and not to be superficial.  On the other I was indirectly taught that thin was beautiful and fat was disgusting and almost subhuman.

Growing up pretty much on my own since my parents pretty much sucked at being parents, I've always prided myself with how grounded I've always been.  I've always been the pretty one.  Whether it be in my group of friends, at a party, at a bar, concert, in my family, work... you get the picture.  And while I take huge pride in putting myself together to as close to perfection as I can each day, I don't feel like I've ever taken advantage of the simple fact that pretty, thin females are treated better in society.  It's a cruel but accurate fact in general.  In short, I could have been a mean girl.  On top of the look, I have the high level of intelligence that it takes to truly have everyone manipulated where you want.

But I have always been known as 'sweet'.  Now, that's not to say that those that have crossed me would say the same.  When I've reason to be a bitch I am a HUGE bitch and I can make someone feel pain if I choose to (with words and actions not physically cuz I'm tiny).  I don't do this ever really now that I'm older.

Point is, I'm a nice person.  I think more about others than myself and put literally everyone else's needs above my own.  There's nothing I wouldn't do for those I care about and not much I wouldn't do for someone I didn't even know.  Which makes some thoughts I've had tonight cause some major guilt and a slight identity crisis.  I guess I can thank my Catholic roots for the quick jump to major guilt.  :)

Obviously I'm grossed out with fat.  I spend most minutes of every day obsessed with food/calorie intake, weigh myself at least 3 times a day and spent literally hours standing and exercising in front of a full length mirror.  But I'm also completely grossed out by overweight people.  Don't get me wrong, I have a couple overweight friends... but only a few and they were friends of friends of mine and I'm not close to any of them.

It's a long standing joke among all the boyfriends/husbands that come in and out of both of my closest circles of girl friends that we don't have any unattractive friends.  A photographer once said at a wedding that we must be hired bridesmaids because there was just no way one girl could have such uniformly beautiful friends in her wedding.  We all joke about it, but it's true.  We do only have attractive friends and always have.  This is most likely because we tend to polarize to like people but for me it's a little more.

I'm literally uncomfortable being around an overweight person.  I'm so grossed out and I spend the entire time thinking nonstop "Why don't they just stop eating?"  "How can they leave the house like that?"  It really makes my skin crawl and my stomach churn which can't be normal, but nothing I do is.

It happened 3 specific times just today which is why I'm writing about it.  First, I went inside the mall for a minute before heading into the theater across.  I saw these girls ten to twelve years younger than me walking around confident, in tight clothes, and also what I would call hefty or chunky.  I guess it's this new idea of big and beautiful.  It's all over the place specifically TV shows.  I get not wanting to support the growth of ED we saw when I was young, but it almost seems like we're going in the opposite extreme that's leading to obese teens and young adults.  But that's an issue in itself, point was that I was disgusted.  Disgusted and therefore judgmental of two probably 15 year old girls.

Next, I was watching Glee (quite behind) and I just can't get past their new character that's dating Puck.  It was hard enough to get over Mercedes' weight.  But she's still kind of fit and to be real African American which has just always looked better than big white girls in my opinion.  But this new character is white and grossly overweight.  Like obese and she's Puck's love interest.  Now if you don't watch Glee just know that he's hot (my fav) and I found myself disgusted every time they interacted on the show romantically.  I got the same feeling with the teens with her through out both episodes that I watched.  Totally judging her and asking the same questions along with "why would you want to have to answer to acting calls for fat girls?"

Lastly I had an Adele song stuck in my head and couldn't remember a lyric and in looking it up, I found for the first time that she's pretty overweight.  And until I checked myself I was almost immediately repulsed by her music over that fact alone.

But this isn't me!  I'm not like this.  I'm that girl that goes out of her way to be nice to everyone and make people feel comfortable in new situations.  I love meeting new people and giving them the benefit of the doubt.  And when it comes to guys, I always judge them whether for friend or boyfriend, by personality first.  Truly.  So I feel so horrible now that I realize I have such ugly thoughts towards so many women I come in contact with for no other reason but I think they are fat and I think fat is disgusting.

I'm so disappointed in myself and it's probably right now the only part of all this stuff that I wish I could change.  I wish I didn't think those things about people (sometimes friends).  I'm feeling incredibly guilty tonight, but there it is, all out in the open and honest.