I hate myself. I'm fat, horribly fat. I wight 103 again and I haven't worked out in a week or more. I eat and I shouldn't. I can see the fat everywhere. It's EVERYWHERE. So much too much everywhere. If getting better means getting fat forget it. I wasn't even trying to get better, just got distracted and lazy I guess and here I am so fucking fat! I hate me. I hate my body. And fuck this. I will get thinner soon.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
My other, other life
I have 3 lives on FB. The original I started 8 years ago during my last years of college which is my link to friends past, present, and future. It allows me to post funny stories, thoughts, or other info of which I'd rather not share a million times individually. It lets my friends share pics (bc I never have a camera) and gives a nice way for a group of us to have a conversation together without flooding our work email accounts.
I have a second account I started with my professional (legal) name which is my teacher only page. I created it because people I worked with were requesting me and there are just parts of my life that are private. Not that I'm ashamed or do anything wrong, but I live in the south (bible belt) and there are a lot of judgmental people. Plus, the me I am outside of work has nothing to do with the me at work.
Recently I started a third. I've been struggling with the fact that even I can't ignore that I have two me's that fight for control of my life. The me that's always been here and the me that developed when ED started controlling aspects of my life. So I started another account for the me that is ED. I go back and forth from denial and reality. There are times when I will argue that we aren't two different people and that I've never lost control and that it's not a problem. No matter where I may be on the spectrum between the two, the fact of the matter is that there are thoughts and people that I couldn't share or be friends with on my original page that I can on the Alice one. That kind of says it all. I really admire those that I am friends with that have both. I can't. Too much to lose.
I often wonder about the girls that seem to have all the hundreds of us ED identities as friends along with their actual 'real world' friends. How can they do that? My friends would totally freak out. Is it a generational thing? I'm almost 30 and most of these girls are about 20 (a painful amount under). Is it more widely accepted among peers now to be ED? Or are these girls the exception that I just happen to notice. I mean the vast majority of my friends on this page are using aliases like me.
Random thoughts today as I am stuck in my hotel room in the rain at a conference. I also find myself with more time to sift through all the status updates on the Alice account. This may offend some readers and please don't start an argument on my blog, but there are a disturbing amount of 'bigger' (overweight it appears but I've never seen them) girls on there. I didn't notice how many at first because, like mine, their pictures are not themselves. Why did it disturb me? They are seeking advice to become anorexic. I know I've discussed this to some length before on one and/or the other blog, but why on earth would you want to start an addiction? A disorder? Jump down the rabbit hole without knowing how to get out or how hard it will be to do so if you even can?
And I know I don't know them, but I can't help but wonder... Have you tried just cutting calorie intake and increasing exercise? And stuck with that for 6 months consistently? I've never really been physically overweight. I say physically because mentally I feel overweight all the time. It doesn't stop... ever. But I have to think that if I were actually overweight with no history of an ED that I would try that first. Going to no matter what we might say is basically a proana or at least supportive of ana social group seems like it should be a last resort. Or not even that. I'm actually pretty confused.
I joined this huge population of people on FB to remind myself that I'm not alone. That I'm not crazy or a freak. Most of the time I know this on my own, but sometimes I forget and don't see it. Sometimes in the midst of huge amounts of therapy, between all your appointments with different professionals, while you're battling to 'work through' your issues, when all your friends are painfully obviously trying to understand you and support you while not enabling you, or during the periods when you are trying very hard to hide the creeping return of habits that won't die you can forget that you are not alone. When I made my Alice account I felt very alone. I needed to actually see the others out there like me. Some worse, some better and all of us at different points of our journey.
Have I used it as a trigger? Have I used it for diet tips? Have I used it for exercise advice? Of course, but I can do a google search for that if it's what I'm looking for. And I can understand girls in the throws of ED looking for and giving support to other girls with ED. They are in the middle of some of the worse parts of the disorder and that's understandable (to me). I don't understand going on there as a non ED person in hopes that someone will help you become one. I just don't. And really I find it offensive because I would give anything to take it away (when I'm on the reality side of the spectrum and not denial of course).
When I started off restricting, I wanted to be thin. I didn't want to be bones. That crept in over time as thinner was never thin enough. I'm in the middle of another 'relapse' now and struggle with the fact that it's 50/50 with people whether I look great or am too thin. I was called 'sorta boney' by a guy I met the other night as in he honestly would have found me more attractive if I weighed a little more. I'm struggling with staying here because when I look in the mirror and start to see bones I haven't seen in a very long time it's so enticing to keep going. I see skeletal thinspo though and I'm disturbed. I don't want to want to look like that. But when I'm honest, I'm not sure how much control the me that thinks that has anymore.
So again, why would you want that? Why would you start off the bat wanting skeletal (or saying you do)? I feel like ana's are being used to some degree. Like they (and I say they because I don't meet criteria for AN) are the next big fad diet. Like their disorder is something to try and start doing like Atkins. I hate this culture of I want it and I want it now. If you NEED to lose weight and you are not ED then make better food choices and work out or just get some cardio in. I say if you are not ED because it is more complicated if you are. At one point I did need to lose a little weight and I did start off by eating a little less and exercising, but unfortunately I have a tendency to go overboard. But right now I feel like ana has turned into a crash diet to add onto the list of yo-yo dieting that too many people try when the real answer is simpler.
In the spirit of my venting not too long ago about the double standard of overweight versus underweight people I have to say this... Who's crazier? Someone who started off with mild weight loss and issues that spun out of control and into an ED, or someone who straight up decides one day that they want to give anorexia a try to lose some weight?
I have a second account I started with my professional (legal) name which is my teacher only page. I created it because people I worked with were requesting me and there are just parts of my life that are private. Not that I'm ashamed or do anything wrong, but I live in the south (bible belt) and there are a lot of judgmental people. Plus, the me I am outside of work has nothing to do with the me at work.
Recently I started a third. I've been struggling with the fact that even I can't ignore that I have two me's that fight for control of my life. The me that's always been here and the me that developed when ED started controlling aspects of my life. So I started another account for the me that is ED. I go back and forth from denial and reality. There are times when I will argue that we aren't two different people and that I've never lost control and that it's not a problem. No matter where I may be on the spectrum between the two, the fact of the matter is that there are thoughts and people that I couldn't share or be friends with on my original page that I can on the Alice one. That kind of says it all. I really admire those that I am friends with that have both. I can't. Too much to lose.
I often wonder about the girls that seem to have all the hundreds of us ED identities as friends along with their actual 'real world' friends. How can they do that? My friends would totally freak out. Is it a generational thing? I'm almost 30 and most of these girls are about 20 (a painful amount under). Is it more widely accepted among peers now to be ED? Or are these girls the exception that I just happen to notice. I mean the vast majority of my friends on this page are using aliases like me.
Random thoughts today as I am stuck in my hotel room in the rain at a conference. I also find myself with more time to sift through all the status updates on the Alice account. This may offend some readers and please don't start an argument on my blog, but there are a disturbing amount of 'bigger' (overweight it appears but I've never seen them) girls on there. I didn't notice how many at first because, like mine, their pictures are not themselves. Why did it disturb me? They are seeking advice to become anorexic. I know I've discussed this to some length before on one and/or the other blog, but why on earth would you want to start an addiction? A disorder? Jump down the rabbit hole without knowing how to get out or how hard it will be to do so if you even can?
And I know I don't know them, but I can't help but wonder... Have you tried just cutting calorie intake and increasing exercise? And stuck with that for 6 months consistently? I've never really been physically overweight. I say physically because mentally I feel overweight all the time. It doesn't stop... ever. But I have to think that if I were actually overweight with no history of an ED that I would try that first. Going to no matter what we might say is basically a proana or at least supportive of ana social group seems like it should be a last resort. Or not even that. I'm actually pretty confused.
I joined this huge population of people on FB to remind myself that I'm not alone. That I'm not crazy or a freak. Most of the time I know this on my own, but sometimes I forget and don't see it. Sometimes in the midst of huge amounts of therapy, between all your appointments with different professionals, while you're battling to 'work through' your issues, when all your friends are painfully obviously trying to understand you and support you while not enabling you, or during the periods when you are trying very hard to hide the creeping return of habits that won't die you can forget that you are not alone. When I made my Alice account I felt very alone. I needed to actually see the others out there like me. Some worse, some better and all of us at different points of our journey.
Have I used it as a trigger? Have I used it for diet tips? Have I used it for exercise advice? Of course, but I can do a google search for that if it's what I'm looking for. And I can understand girls in the throws of ED looking for and giving support to other girls with ED. They are in the middle of some of the worse parts of the disorder and that's understandable (to me). I don't understand going on there as a non ED person in hopes that someone will help you become one. I just don't. And really I find it offensive because I would give anything to take it away (when I'm on the reality side of the spectrum and not denial of course).
When I started off restricting, I wanted to be thin. I didn't want to be bones. That crept in over time as thinner was never thin enough. I'm in the middle of another 'relapse' now and struggle with the fact that it's 50/50 with people whether I look great or am too thin. I was called 'sorta boney' by a guy I met the other night as in he honestly would have found me more attractive if I weighed a little more. I'm struggling with staying here because when I look in the mirror and start to see bones I haven't seen in a very long time it's so enticing to keep going. I see skeletal thinspo though and I'm disturbed. I don't want to want to look like that. But when I'm honest, I'm not sure how much control the me that thinks that has anymore.
So again, why would you want that? Why would you start off the bat wanting skeletal (or saying you do)? I feel like ana's are being used to some degree. Like they (and I say they because I don't meet criteria for AN) are the next big fad diet. Like their disorder is something to try and start doing like Atkins. I hate this culture of I want it and I want it now. If you NEED to lose weight and you are not ED then make better food choices and work out or just get some cardio in. I say if you are not ED because it is more complicated if you are. At one point I did need to lose a little weight and I did start off by eating a little less and exercising, but unfortunately I have a tendency to go overboard. But right now I feel like ana has turned into a crash diet to add onto the list of yo-yo dieting that too many people try when the real answer is simpler.
In the spirit of my venting not too long ago about the double standard of overweight versus underweight people I have to say this... Who's crazier? Someone who started off with mild weight loss and issues that spun out of control and into an ED, or someone who straight up decides one day that they want to give anorexia a try to lose some weight?
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Pro-choice/Pro-education
I feel like my two blogs are going to start to read very differently from now on. I had major fall out after a couple recent posts on my open to friends blog and am going to have to keep those posts more pro recovery and positive and unfortunately at times less honest. It's just easier that way, which is actually why I started this one anyway. It's not that I'm pro-ana because I'm not. I would never wish ED on anyone. I am what I guess you could call pro-choice-ana? As in it's your body so it's your choice just like my stance on some other body issues. My friends however would see this as a sign that an intervention and hospitalization are in order. Again I'd like to point out that if they have the extra tens of thousands of dollars, I'd probably give it a go.
I commend anyone and everyone who seeks recovery and treatment. I myself have been in and out of therapy/treatment for years. Just haven't gotten to the point that I'm truly going for just me or to where I can honestly 100% say "I want to get better and beat this." I want to want to get better most days. Unfortunately since I'm not where I want to be weight wise, I'm not willing to get there yet and still question whether it's really a big problem in the first place.
I was thinking today about how while I think it's your choice if you are content with ED, that as with drugs and alcohol early education is key in this decision. I see so many very young girls on FB who are pro-ana. This made me sad because I see myself in them... just back a decade and a half. Eating disorders are a teen epidemic similar to teen pregnancy. I have very strong opinions on how important sex ed is in public schools and it made me wonder what sort of education goes on about ED. I know that when I was in high school we talked about it in one health class for one class period. I remember exactly how it was taught. We watched For the Love of Nancy. What did I learn? That my secret obsession about weight and starving was an actual disorder (so stay quiet) and I learned a lot of new ways to go about it. I had a new name for my goal, anorexia. The film didn't scare me straight. It didn't make the disorder unappealing to me. It sort of glorified it for me. The movie and the following lecture really only tried to warn of the physical side effects of ED. The shock value if you will.
Well as a 15 year old who had already been restricting for at least 4 years and depressed for lord knows how long before that and suicidal, telling me I might die or do permanent damage to my body wasn't exactly the way to get me to seek help or change. I wonder if that's still how it works today, but hopefully at least with a more recent movie.
So the next question I asked myself today was, what would have worked? I would give anything to be able to undue the things that caused the ana behaviors. I can still see and hear my thoughts the day I met mia and wish that I would have not been introduced because she is so supportive when the seductress that is ana is playing hard to get. But what would have made a difference by the time I was that 15 year old girl in health class?
Out of everything I learned then and later in college, nothing ever really focused on the psychological side effects of ED (which I realize were still in the process of being understood). They didn't focus on what it's like in your head during and forever after. That might have scared me into help thirteen years ago and I would have stood a much better chance at recovery then. I don't know, maybe it needed to be real.
I was watching Thin the other day (I watch it often) and thought today about how I would have reacted to it then. Now its comforting for me in a twisted way because they show, feel, and articulate so much of my thinking. The first time I watched it I cried a lot. The same as the first time I read Wasted. I cried because they are me and it was shocking to see/read it. At 15, when they weren't me yet, it might have made me see how much such a seemingly simple act can effect your entire life. Maybe watching things like that or Dying to be Thin, Intervention, and various others would have made a difference. Maybe not. I can't tell because I perceive them now from the perspective of someone who has gone back and forth from ana behavior to mia (EDNOS) for 16 years.
I do know that I've yet to meet anyone my age that has just recently developed ED. I know it's possible, but really I think you can still always trace the beginnings back to early teens at the latest. So the time for education and searching for warning signs has got to start young. I teach 4th grade. I can tell you right now that my 9/10 year old girls come to me each year already aware of and/or worried about their bodies. I've had many already on diets and actually tell other girls or me that they think they are fat and need to lose weight.
But it's a two sided issue because at the same time I have actually overweight and/or obese girls each year too. We can't give the message that fat is healthy either. It's a tricky balancing act. Be healthy, exercise, and be mindful of what you eat but don't become obsessed and idealize a body type or weight that is not in your healthy range or possibility. I don't want my girls to idolize Adele and her I'd rather be fat than not eat what I want when I want statements, but I don't want them to grow up idolizing Audrey Hepburn (like I did) if they are 5 foot or any of the current thinspo stars. We teach about healthy eating and menstruation in 4th and I'm convinced that body issues and direct self esteem building need to start there as well. I know many in education do this, but a lot of times people worry about what they are allowed to say or teach. I, however, worry that education in middle and high school is too late for our girls.
I commend anyone and everyone who seeks recovery and treatment. I myself have been in and out of therapy/treatment for years. Just haven't gotten to the point that I'm truly going for just me or to where I can honestly 100% say "I want to get better and beat this." I want to want to get better most days. Unfortunately since I'm not where I want to be weight wise, I'm not willing to get there yet and still question whether it's really a big problem in the first place.
I was thinking today about how while I think it's your choice if you are content with ED, that as with drugs and alcohol early education is key in this decision. I see so many very young girls on FB who are pro-ana. This made me sad because I see myself in them... just back a decade and a half. Eating disorders are a teen epidemic similar to teen pregnancy. I have very strong opinions on how important sex ed is in public schools and it made me wonder what sort of education goes on about ED. I know that when I was in high school we talked about it in one health class for one class period. I remember exactly how it was taught. We watched For the Love of Nancy. What did I learn? That my secret obsession about weight and starving was an actual disorder (so stay quiet) and I learned a lot of new ways to go about it. I had a new name for my goal, anorexia. The film didn't scare me straight. It didn't make the disorder unappealing to me. It sort of glorified it for me. The movie and the following lecture really only tried to warn of the physical side effects of ED. The shock value if you will.
Well as a 15 year old who had already been restricting for at least 4 years and depressed for lord knows how long before that and suicidal, telling me I might die or do permanent damage to my body wasn't exactly the way to get me to seek help or change. I wonder if that's still how it works today, but hopefully at least with a more recent movie.
So the next question I asked myself today was, what would have worked? I would give anything to be able to undue the things that caused the ana behaviors. I can still see and hear my thoughts the day I met mia and wish that I would have not been introduced because she is so supportive when the seductress that is ana is playing hard to get. But what would have made a difference by the time I was that 15 year old girl in health class?
Out of everything I learned then and later in college, nothing ever really focused on the psychological side effects of ED (which I realize were still in the process of being understood). They didn't focus on what it's like in your head during and forever after. That might have scared me into help thirteen years ago and I would have stood a much better chance at recovery then. I don't know, maybe it needed to be real.
I was watching Thin the other day (I watch it often) and thought today about how I would have reacted to it then. Now its comforting for me in a twisted way because they show, feel, and articulate so much of my thinking. The first time I watched it I cried a lot. The same as the first time I read Wasted. I cried because they are me and it was shocking to see/read it. At 15, when they weren't me yet, it might have made me see how much such a seemingly simple act can effect your entire life. Maybe watching things like that or Dying to be Thin, Intervention, and various others would have made a difference. Maybe not. I can't tell because I perceive them now from the perspective of someone who has gone back and forth from ana behavior to mia (EDNOS) for 16 years.
I do know that I've yet to meet anyone my age that has just recently developed ED. I know it's possible, but really I think you can still always trace the beginnings back to early teens at the latest. So the time for education and searching for warning signs has got to start young. I teach 4th grade. I can tell you right now that my 9/10 year old girls come to me each year already aware of and/or worried about their bodies. I've had many already on diets and actually tell other girls or me that they think they are fat and need to lose weight.
But it's a two sided issue because at the same time I have actually overweight and/or obese girls each year too. We can't give the message that fat is healthy either. It's a tricky balancing act. Be healthy, exercise, and be mindful of what you eat but don't become obsessed and idealize a body type or weight that is not in your healthy range or possibility. I don't want my girls to idolize Adele and her I'd rather be fat than not eat what I want when I want statements, but I don't want them to grow up idolizing Audrey Hepburn (like I did) if they are 5 foot or any of the current thinspo stars. We teach about healthy eating and menstruation in 4th and I'm convinced that body issues and direct self esteem building need to start there as well. I know many in education do this, but a lot of times people worry about what they are allowed to say or teach. I, however, worry that education in middle and high school is too late for our girls.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Intervention 2
I got a text from S this morning wanting to know if I was free at 5 because she wanted to talk. I should have known what it was going to be about and I guess deep down I did. We avoided the topic for a long while before she mentioned that she was surprised that I hadn't asked her what she wanted to talk about. Of course I went to my go to statement/question "You're pregnant?!" Wishful thinking...
She said she's not observant but even she couldn't not notice the weight I've lost. I haven't even lost much, but I have been excersizing again so I'm dropping percent BF. It was such a defensive horrible conversation. There's no right response. She (being an almost licensed psychologist) thinks I need major therapy and while we can argue all day about that the bottom line is that I can't afford it until September. And even then I'm not focusing on the eating issues. I'll go see a shrink about anxiety for the year and revisit everything else then.
S just is so frustrated that I won't do it this summer when I don't have to worry about work. I'm just not willing to give up my summer and live on nothing to try to scrape up enough money for therapy. She was so worried about me that it pissed me off. I even asked her point blank if she had ever talked to her friend T about being grossly overweight since she was jepoardizing her health way more than mine. That sort of shut her up because of course she hasn't really.
No one goes to fat people and tells them they have a psychological disorder and need treatment. No one goes to fat people and tries to convince them that they could drop dead at any moment. No one goes up to fat people and tells them that they are crazy. But they do say all those things to very thin people. It's a double standard and I'm sick of it. I'm not sick. I'm not even underweight dammit! I'm tired of everyone being so damn worried about me or worse yet pulling away from me.
I want to scream, I'm losing some weight... get over it! I'm not hurting anyone, not even myself. I'm healthy as in doctors will tell you I'm healthy. Stop ruining my happiness over progress and making me feel guilty for my lifestyle choice. If I go ana then you can worry and rally the troops. In fact you'd be shitty friends if you didn't. But I'm not so BACK OFF!!!
Okay all vented and ready to watch a movie, forget today, and go to bed.
She said she's not observant but even she couldn't not notice the weight I've lost. I haven't even lost much, but I have been excersizing again so I'm dropping percent BF. It was such a defensive horrible conversation. There's no right response. She (being an almost licensed psychologist) thinks I need major therapy and while we can argue all day about that the bottom line is that I can't afford it until September. And even then I'm not focusing on the eating issues. I'll go see a shrink about anxiety for the year and revisit everything else then.
S just is so frustrated that I won't do it this summer when I don't have to worry about work. I'm just not willing to give up my summer and live on nothing to try to scrape up enough money for therapy. She was so worried about me that it pissed me off. I even asked her point blank if she had ever talked to her friend T about being grossly overweight since she was jepoardizing her health way more than mine. That sort of shut her up because of course she hasn't really.
No one goes to fat people and tells them they have a psychological disorder and need treatment. No one goes to fat people and tries to convince them that they could drop dead at any moment. No one goes up to fat people and tells them that they are crazy. But they do say all those things to very thin people. It's a double standard and I'm sick of it. I'm not sick. I'm not even underweight dammit! I'm tired of everyone being so damn worried about me or worse yet pulling away from me.
I want to scream, I'm losing some weight... get over it! I'm not hurting anyone, not even myself. I'm healthy as in doctors will tell you I'm healthy. Stop ruining my happiness over progress and making me feel guilty for my lifestyle choice. If I go ana then you can worry and rally the troops. In fact you'd be shitty friends if you didn't. But I'm not so BACK OFF!!!
Okay all vented and ready to watch a movie, forget today, and go to bed.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Torn
I feel like I've split in two. There's the me I am to the people in my daily life and the me that I hide except for on this blog and my anonymous fb page. I'm not pretending to be one or the other; they are both me which gets confusing. I'm so torn these days. One day I think I have a problem and need to get help and the next day or moment I am super defensive to this idea and 100% sure that I don't have a problem.
I could get into serious treatment and get fully recovered, but I could also realistically live the rest of my life just like this. I'm not seriously jeopardizing my health. I'm not underweight, just the lower end of the healthy range. I could keep this up and that's what I want, but then my logical side kicks in and I'm not so sure.
I think the logical/objective me is focused on the possible worst case scenario. I haven't weighed this little since I was 17. It's not normal to be almost 30 and weigh the same as you did in high school (especially if you were tiny). But I was completely developed and done growing so I don't think it's bad either. Granted I still aim to lose 5 more pounds which puts me where I was at 15... But I still wouldn't be underweight.
Here's where I'm most torn. Do I stop at 95? Will I stop at 95? I've promised myself and everyone else that I will and therefore no one needs to worry. But if I'm really honest... it eats away at me that I've never weighed little enough to be diagnosed as anorexic. Stuck forever in EDNOS, a strange state of purgatory.
I quote her all the time, but in truth I feel like Marya Hornbacher expresses how I feel better than I ever could and on page 153 she nails it again. "Because I was not visibly sick, the very picture of sick, because I did not warrant the coveted title of Anoretic, I was embarrassed."
Why would being anorexic be a goal of mine? The truth is that it was a goal I settled on when I was a teen and knew nothing about what I was getting into. But the fact that I never reached it (aka failed) has never settled well with me. It shouldn't matter but it does. I shouldn't be embarrassed that I am not at death's door thin, but I am.
So am I willing to put my health in jeopardy, worry everyone, damage relationships all to check something off of my 'yet to be completed' list? So that I don't have to feel embarrassed that while I have eating issues, I'm not dying? I don't know...
Friday, May 27, 2011
Honesty that Makes Me Feel Guilty
I was raised with definite contradiction in values. On one hand I was told how important it was to look at inner beauty and not to be superficial. On the other I was indirectly taught that thin was beautiful and fat was disgusting and almost subhuman.
Growing up pretty much on my own since my parents pretty much sucked at being parents, I've always prided myself with how grounded I've always been. I've always been the pretty one. Whether it be in my group of friends, at a party, at a bar, concert, in my family, work... you get the picture. And while I take huge pride in putting myself together to as close to perfection as I can each day, I don't feel like I've ever taken advantage of the simple fact that pretty, thin females are treated better in society. It's a cruel but accurate fact in general. In short, I could have been a mean girl. On top of the look, I have the high level of intelligence that it takes to truly have everyone manipulated where you want.
But I have always been known as 'sweet'. Now, that's not to say that those that have crossed me would say the same. When I've reason to be a bitch I am a HUGE bitch and I can make someone feel pain if I choose to (with words and actions not physically cuz I'm tiny). I don't do this ever really now that I'm older.
Point is, I'm a nice person. I think more about others than myself and put literally everyone else's needs above my own. There's nothing I wouldn't do for those I care about and not much I wouldn't do for someone I didn't even know. Which makes some thoughts I've had tonight cause some major guilt and a slight identity crisis. I guess I can thank my Catholic roots for the quick jump to major guilt. :)
Obviously I'm grossed out with fat. I spend most minutes of every day obsessed with food/calorie intake, weigh myself at least 3 times a day and spent literally hours standing and exercising in front of a full length mirror. But I'm also completely grossed out by overweight people. Don't get me wrong, I have a couple overweight friends... but only a few and they were friends of friends of mine and I'm not close to any of them.
It's a long standing joke among all the boyfriends/husbands that come in and out of both of my closest circles of girl friends that we don't have any unattractive friends. A photographer once said at a wedding that we must be hired bridesmaids because there was just no way one girl could have such uniformly beautiful friends in her wedding. We all joke about it, but it's true. We do only have attractive friends and always have. This is most likely because we tend to polarize to like people but for me it's a little more.
I'm literally uncomfortable being around an overweight person. I'm so grossed out and I spend the entire time thinking nonstop "Why don't they just stop eating?" "How can they leave the house like that?" It really makes my skin crawl and my stomach churn which can't be normal, but nothing I do is.
It happened 3 specific times just today which is why I'm writing about it. First, I went inside the mall for a minute before heading into the theater across. I saw these girls ten to twelve years younger than me walking around confident, in tight clothes, and also what I would call hefty or chunky. I guess it's this new idea of big and beautiful. It's all over the place specifically TV shows. I get not wanting to support the growth of ED we saw when I was young, but it almost seems like we're going in the opposite extreme that's leading to obese teens and young adults. But that's an issue in itself, point was that I was disgusted. Disgusted and therefore judgmental of two probably 15 year old girls.
Next, I was watching Glee (quite behind) and I just can't get past their new character that's dating Puck. It was hard enough to get over Mercedes' weight. But she's still kind of fit and to be real African American which has just always looked better than big white girls in my opinion. But this new character is white and grossly overweight. Like obese and she's Puck's love interest. Now if you don't watch Glee just know that he's hot (my fav) and I found myself disgusted every time they interacted on the show romantically. I got the same feeling with the teens with her through out both episodes that I watched. Totally judging her and asking the same questions along with "why would you want to have to answer to acting calls for fat girls?"
Lastly I had an Adele song stuck in my head and couldn't remember a lyric and in looking it up, I found for the first time that she's pretty overweight. And until I checked myself I was almost immediately repulsed by her music over that fact alone.
But this isn't me! I'm not like this. I'm that girl that goes out of her way to be nice to everyone and make people feel comfortable in new situations. I love meeting new people and giving them the benefit of the doubt. And when it comes to guys, I always judge them whether for friend or boyfriend, by personality first. Truly. So I feel so horrible now that I realize I have such ugly thoughts towards so many women I come in contact with for no other reason but I think they are fat and I think fat is disgusting.
I'm so disappointed in myself and it's probably right now the only part of all this stuff that I wish I could change. I wish I didn't think those things about people (sometimes friends). I'm feeling incredibly guilty tonight, but there it is, all out in the open and honest.
Growing up pretty much on my own since my parents pretty much sucked at being parents, I've always prided myself with how grounded I've always been. I've always been the pretty one. Whether it be in my group of friends, at a party, at a bar, concert, in my family, work... you get the picture. And while I take huge pride in putting myself together to as close to perfection as I can each day, I don't feel like I've ever taken advantage of the simple fact that pretty, thin females are treated better in society. It's a cruel but accurate fact in general. In short, I could have been a mean girl. On top of the look, I have the high level of intelligence that it takes to truly have everyone manipulated where you want.
But I have always been known as 'sweet'. Now, that's not to say that those that have crossed me would say the same. When I've reason to be a bitch I am a HUGE bitch and I can make someone feel pain if I choose to (with words and actions not physically cuz I'm tiny). I don't do this ever really now that I'm older.
Point is, I'm a nice person. I think more about others than myself and put literally everyone else's needs above my own. There's nothing I wouldn't do for those I care about and not much I wouldn't do for someone I didn't even know. Which makes some thoughts I've had tonight cause some major guilt and a slight identity crisis. I guess I can thank my Catholic roots for the quick jump to major guilt. :)
Obviously I'm grossed out with fat. I spend most minutes of every day obsessed with food/calorie intake, weigh myself at least 3 times a day and spent literally hours standing and exercising in front of a full length mirror. But I'm also completely grossed out by overweight people. Don't get me wrong, I have a couple overweight friends... but only a few and they were friends of friends of mine and I'm not close to any of them.
It's a long standing joke among all the boyfriends/husbands that come in and out of both of my closest circles of girl friends that we don't have any unattractive friends. A photographer once said at a wedding that we must be hired bridesmaids because there was just no way one girl could have such uniformly beautiful friends in her wedding. We all joke about it, but it's true. We do only have attractive friends and always have. This is most likely because we tend to polarize to like people but for me it's a little more.
I'm literally uncomfortable being around an overweight person. I'm so grossed out and I spend the entire time thinking nonstop "Why don't they just stop eating?" "How can they leave the house like that?" It really makes my skin crawl and my stomach churn which can't be normal, but nothing I do is.
It happened 3 specific times just today which is why I'm writing about it. First, I went inside the mall for a minute before heading into the theater across. I saw these girls ten to twelve years younger than me walking around confident, in tight clothes, and also what I would call hefty or chunky. I guess it's this new idea of big and beautiful. It's all over the place specifically TV shows. I get not wanting to support the growth of ED we saw when I was young, but it almost seems like we're going in the opposite extreme that's leading to obese teens and young adults. But that's an issue in itself, point was that I was disgusted. Disgusted and therefore judgmental of two probably 15 year old girls.
Next, I was watching Glee (quite behind) and I just can't get past their new character that's dating Puck. It was hard enough to get over Mercedes' weight. But she's still kind of fit and to be real African American which has just always looked better than big white girls in my opinion. But this new character is white and grossly overweight. Like obese and she's Puck's love interest. Now if you don't watch Glee just know that he's hot (my fav) and I found myself disgusted every time they interacted on the show romantically. I got the same feeling with the teens with her through out both episodes that I watched. Totally judging her and asking the same questions along with "why would you want to have to answer to acting calls for fat girls?"
Lastly I had an Adele song stuck in my head and couldn't remember a lyric and in looking it up, I found for the first time that she's pretty overweight. And until I checked myself I was almost immediately repulsed by her music over that fact alone.
But this isn't me! I'm not like this. I'm that girl that goes out of her way to be nice to everyone and make people feel comfortable in new situations. I love meeting new people and giving them the benefit of the doubt. And when it comes to guys, I always judge them whether for friend or boyfriend, by personality first. Truly. So I feel so horrible now that I realize I have such ugly thoughts towards so many women I come in contact with for no other reason but I think they are fat and I think fat is disgusting.
I'm so disappointed in myself and it's probably right now the only part of all this stuff that I wish I could change. I wish I didn't think those things about people (sometimes friends). I'm feeling incredibly guilty tonight, but there it is, all out in the open and honest.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Poem Number 2
I Could Be Just Fine If You'd Let Me
(Style of Tanka)
Judging eyes pierce me.
Unspoken words stifle me.
It's my choice not yours!
Shrinking brings pain that rivals not
The grief your doubt in me breeds.
Centered Again
Sometimes it does get to me how much my obsession with weight effects every aspect of my life. I was off all week emotionally. Just wasn't myself. Friday I caused my work partner to get upset and that threw me for a huge loop. She's bipolar and I know a lot of the things she said came from her being unstable right now as she gets her meds right, but everything she said was true and threw my flaws in my face. I don't ever need anyone to point out my flaws. I see them all the time and see more than anyone else ever will.
This had me emotional that Friday night as I went to my mom's retirement party at a bar. My sister and I got into it over her being selfish (she wasn't going to go until I made her feel like shit about it) and she told me I needed to get my head checked because I was crazy. One, fuck you. Two, I'm pretty sure I've had it checked out several times (which she knows) and would never claim complete sanity. So I cut her off. Told her never to speak to me again and defriended her on my facebook.
Last night I went out with a big group of friends and spent the getting ready process in a state of panic over what I was going to wear because I felt fat, but I also had to hide my thinness so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone. I drank too much too fast because I was so anxious and then had my roommate come pick me up and left without telling anyone goodbye. In my defense I didn't tell them because I knew someone would have wanted to take me home and I didn't want anyone to have to do that. Also I got wasted because the bartender knew us and not only made our drinks ridiculously strong but also told our table that we would not have a drink tab that night.
I slept all day today and didn't want to get out of bed. When I did, of course the first thing I did (other than pee) was weight myself. I have been low all week because I gained 3 pounds last weekend at the family reunion just like I knew I would. I was at 104 when I left and already sensitive because I was trying really hard to get to 95 by June 1st. When I came back at 107 I was crushed. But I thought that I would lose it fast in a couple days but funny thing about eating, when you start again it's really hard to stop. I got on the scale today and it read 104. This changed everything. I was instantly happy and better than I had been all week. I'm still bummed that I'm set back from the original goal, but at least I'm back to where I was. I wish people understood how happy and anxiety free I am when I'm thinner and how horribly depressed and miserable I am when I gain.
So while I'm centered again it just makes me think about how much this whole thing effects every part of my life. I've been really struggling because I'm getting all these comments about how much weight I've had to of lost and how skinny I am. I don't feel like I have lost that much or that I'm very thin (at least not thin enough anyway). Sometimes I wish I could tattoo I'm ED so don't talk about weight on my forehead so that I wouldn't have to feel the shame and guilt. People have no idea how much words can hurt. It's the comments by those that don't know that are hardest for me. Things like my Aunt when she saw me giving me a hug and saying "You're disappearing! There's not going to be anything left soon." Maybe if I responded "I sure hope so, that's the plan!" maybe the topic could be dropped.
My friends that know are getting on my nerves and I'm totally distancing myself from them as a defense mechanism. I did it last time too and it took a long time to mend the damage. I really REALLY didn't want to go there again. My BF C hasn't spoken to me much or invited me over and I know it's because she can't stand to watch me shrink. My roommate took me out on a walk to ask me if I was okay because I'd been getting very thin. My friend S is trying to convince me to go into treatment over the summer. A just ignores but I feel the distance between us growing. It's pretty much just the big pink elephant in the room with everyone and that causes the anxiety that makes me pull away.
J will as always be my girl this summer. She hates it and fears my shrinking as much as everyone else but she would never cut me off or let me distance myself from her. She can't judge or lecture because she's ED too. She's currently recovered, but still she knows the hell and she's there for me most because of it. I don't think anyone can really be there for me if they aren't ED because if you aren't then you really don't have any idea what the war inside my head is like.
This is why I started my other blog, to give those that care about me a window into my mind. Unfortunately that was when I was committed to recovery and now that I'm not there are things I can't share with them.
The biggest problem now is what to do. I am blessed with dozens of wonderful close friends and I don't want to lose them and my obsession is going to cause loss eventually. But I don't think I'm sick. I restrict. I'm working on the purging and honestly if there wasn't so much pressure from people to eat 'normally' then I wouldn't purge at all. I only do it when I eat things that I wouldn't normally and think I shouldn't. I just don't think there is anything wrong with restriction as long as I'm healthy and I am. I'll be healthy at 95 too. I just wish that everyone could understand that. I'm fine and they are pushing me away because they fear I'm not. I hate this.
This had me emotional that Friday night as I went to my mom's retirement party at a bar. My sister and I got into it over her being selfish (she wasn't going to go until I made her feel like shit about it) and she told me I needed to get my head checked because I was crazy. One, fuck you. Two, I'm pretty sure I've had it checked out several times (which she knows) and would never claim complete sanity. So I cut her off. Told her never to speak to me again and defriended her on my facebook.
Last night I went out with a big group of friends and spent the getting ready process in a state of panic over what I was going to wear because I felt fat, but I also had to hide my thinness so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone. I drank too much too fast because I was so anxious and then had my roommate come pick me up and left without telling anyone goodbye. In my defense I didn't tell them because I knew someone would have wanted to take me home and I didn't want anyone to have to do that. Also I got wasted because the bartender knew us and not only made our drinks ridiculously strong but also told our table that we would not have a drink tab that night.
I slept all day today and didn't want to get out of bed. When I did, of course the first thing I did (other than pee) was weight myself. I have been low all week because I gained 3 pounds last weekend at the family reunion just like I knew I would. I was at 104 when I left and already sensitive because I was trying really hard to get to 95 by June 1st. When I came back at 107 I was crushed. But I thought that I would lose it fast in a couple days but funny thing about eating, when you start again it's really hard to stop. I got on the scale today and it read 104. This changed everything. I was instantly happy and better than I had been all week. I'm still bummed that I'm set back from the original goal, but at least I'm back to where I was. I wish people understood how happy and anxiety free I am when I'm thinner and how horribly depressed and miserable I am when I gain.
So while I'm centered again it just makes me think about how much this whole thing effects every part of my life. I've been really struggling because I'm getting all these comments about how much weight I've had to of lost and how skinny I am. I don't feel like I have lost that much or that I'm very thin (at least not thin enough anyway). Sometimes I wish I could tattoo I'm ED so don't talk about weight on my forehead so that I wouldn't have to feel the shame and guilt. People have no idea how much words can hurt. It's the comments by those that don't know that are hardest for me. Things like my Aunt when she saw me giving me a hug and saying "You're disappearing! There's not going to be anything left soon." Maybe if I responded "I sure hope so, that's the plan!" maybe the topic could be dropped.
My friends that know are getting on my nerves and I'm totally distancing myself from them as a defense mechanism. I did it last time too and it took a long time to mend the damage. I really REALLY didn't want to go there again. My BF C hasn't spoken to me much or invited me over and I know it's because she can't stand to watch me shrink. My roommate took me out on a walk to ask me if I was okay because I'd been getting very thin. My friend S is trying to convince me to go into treatment over the summer. A just ignores but I feel the distance between us growing. It's pretty much just the big pink elephant in the room with everyone and that causes the anxiety that makes me pull away.
J will as always be my girl this summer. She hates it and fears my shrinking as much as everyone else but she would never cut me off or let me distance myself from her. She can't judge or lecture because she's ED too. She's currently recovered, but still she knows the hell and she's there for me most because of it. I don't think anyone can really be there for me if they aren't ED because if you aren't then you really don't have any idea what the war inside my head is like.
This is why I started my other blog, to give those that care about me a window into my mind. Unfortunately that was when I was committed to recovery and now that I'm not there are things I can't share with them.
The biggest problem now is what to do. I am blessed with dozens of wonderful close friends and I don't want to lose them and my obsession is going to cause loss eventually. But I don't think I'm sick. I restrict. I'm working on the purging and honestly if there wasn't so much pressure from people to eat 'normally' then I wouldn't purge at all. I only do it when I eat things that I wouldn't normally and think I shouldn't. I just don't think there is anything wrong with restriction as long as I'm healthy and I am. I'll be healthy at 95 too. I just wish that everyone could understand that. I'm fine and they are pushing me away because they fear I'm not. I hate this.
Monday, May 9, 2011
My First Poem- Terza rima- excited!
Returning Hollow Back
Lamenting eyes guilt the fork to do its work,
Bites untasted and swallowed with agony.
Explosion of feelings as the void is gone,
Intense emotions send sanity to her knees
Fiercely all is purged returning hollow back.
All is well again... until the day it"s not...
MM 5/10/11
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Weekend is over, prep for the next
I made it through the weekend with only a couple purges. I didn't give in at all Friday when we all got together. I ate some brisket (solo) Saturday to not be rude to B's parents and that was it. Today was mother's day though so I had a lot of BBQ with the fam. They get ultra weird if I don't eat a good amount.
This always makes me laugh though. I mean they all know that I have had a major purging disorder for over ten years now. They know that I am also restricting a lot because I need to lose weight and so that I don't purge. Yet I go over on days like today and it's uncomfortable for everyone if I only eat a little. I know they all know that I'm just going to puke it all up if I eat it. Why can't people understand that not eating is the better solution a lot of the time. I'm not 80 lbs so I'm not anywhere near unhealthy skinny. You'd really rather I vomit to the point of dizziness and possible passing out than just pass up on the huge helping of food? It just doesn't make sense to me.
Blah, so I went from 103 Saturday to 105 today. I think it might be about time to start which would explain why it's so hard to lose right now. I've got to lose though this week. I'm going up to see family and I'm only a few pounds lighter than I was at Christmas. I wonder how many I can lose this week? I lost 3 last week.
ABC diet is not going so well. I can't wait for summer when work isn't so much of an obstacle. I just HAVE to lose ten pounds. It's all on my but and hips. It just won't go away. My rib cage and col. bones stick out and if you only looked there you'd think I was crazy for wanting to lose more weight. It doesn't match with my ass though. My arms are getting a little better, but I just wish I lost weight proportionally.
This always makes me laugh though. I mean they all know that I have had a major purging disorder for over ten years now. They know that I am also restricting a lot because I need to lose weight and so that I don't purge. Yet I go over on days like today and it's uncomfortable for everyone if I only eat a little. I know they all know that I'm just going to puke it all up if I eat it. Why can't people understand that not eating is the better solution a lot of the time. I'm not 80 lbs so I'm not anywhere near unhealthy skinny. You'd really rather I vomit to the point of dizziness and possible passing out than just pass up on the huge helping of food? It just doesn't make sense to me.
Blah, so I went from 103 Saturday to 105 today. I think it might be about time to start which would explain why it's so hard to lose right now. I've got to lose though this week. I'm going up to see family and I'm only a few pounds lighter than I was at Christmas. I wonder how many I can lose this week? I lost 3 last week.
ABC diet is not going so well. I can't wait for summer when work isn't so much of an obstacle. I just HAVE to lose ten pounds. It's all on my but and hips. It just won't go away. My rib cage and col. bones stick out and if you only looked there you'd think I was crazy for wanting to lose more weight. It doesn't match with my ass though. My arms are getting a little better, but I just wish I lost weight proportionally.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Dread for the weekend...
My best guy friend B is coming home after a year overseas for the military. I'm super excited to see him but so anxious and worried about the food thing. How am I suppose to restrict the way I want with so many people around? Why does every gathering in our culture revolve around food? I hate purging and I know I will have to do it a lot this weekend. This always leaves me drained when starting the next week emotionally and physically. I'm so excited he's back but all the stress almost makes me wish I could skip everything and just stay home.
I lost a pound today which makes me happy. But now I'm afraid I will gain it back plus some over the weekend. And right when I decided to try the ABC thing. Sucks. I've lost weight since he saw me last too and I know he'll notice. He's one of those friends that kick your ass over stuff like that. He's just going to have to accept that the loss was needed and I'm not done yet.
Why didn't I save up my klonopin?!
I lost a pound today which makes me happy. But now I'm afraid I will gain it back plus some over the weekend. And right when I decided to try the ABC thing. Sucks. I've lost weight since he saw me last too and I know he'll notice. He's one of those friends that kick your ass over stuff like that. He's just going to have to accept that the loss was needed and I'm not done yet.
Why didn't I save up my klonopin?!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
And so we begin... again...
My original blog which I still love and write on is no longer safe for all my honest thoughts. I guess it really never was. I started writing it when I was in treatment last for my ED and after much pushing from my team, I shared it with many of my closest friends. And there in lies the problem. If I'm too honest, they get freaked out. I cannot handle one more person worrying about me or treating my like I'm broken. Especially when I don't believe there is anything wrong with me.
I will continue to write on the other because there are many things I don't mind sharing with everyone.
http://lifeinthenetherworld.blogspot.com
I made a new facebook page recently under the same identity that I write my blogs. All my friends on it struggle with/embrace ED. I know that my friends and family would be incredibly upset, hurt, and disheartened to know that I did this. They will never understand so many things about me. I need to know that I am not alone. I need to know that the way I think is actually pretty common. I need to lose weight to stay sane and I need inspiration. I've always relied on literature for this, but real people are so much better.
The simple truth is that I don't think the way I live is wrong and I never have despite what I might say to make 'things' better. I don't like the purging, but it's a necessary evil at times of weakness so I won't give it up for good. And I just will never eat the way a dietician expects me to.
I'm at 104 today and I ate almost 500 calories which was 100 more than I was suppose to. I started the ABC diet this week. It is a lot harder than I thought it would be. It would be pretty easy if I didn't work or have a soial life. This first 50 day period I'm going to do the best I can to follow it. The second time around I know it will be easier. I'm just got to drop the weight I've gained.
104 lbs
21% BF
5' 0"
Goal= 95 within a month
I will continue to write on the other because there are many things I don't mind sharing with everyone.
http://lifeinthenetherworld.blogspot.com
I made a new facebook page recently under the same identity that I write my blogs. All my friends on it struggle with/embrace ED. I know that my friends and family would be incredibly upset, hurt, and disheartened to know that I did this. They will never understand so many things about me. I need to know that I am not alone. I need to know that the way I think is actually pretty common. I need to lose weight to stay sane and I need inspiration. I've always relied on literature for this, but real people are so much better.
The simple truth is that I don't think the way I live is wrong and I never have despite what I might say to make 'things' better. I don't like the purging, but it's a necessary evil at times of weakness so I won't give it up for good. And I just will never eat the way a dietician expects me to.
I'm at 104 today and I ate almost 500 calories which was 100 more than I was suppose to. I started the ABC diet this week. It is a lot harder than I thought it would be. It would be pretty easy if I didn't work or have a soial life. This first 50 day period I'm going to do the best I can to follow it. The second time around I know it will be easier. I'm just got to drop the weight I've gained.
104 lbs
21% BF
5' 0"
Goal= 95 within a month
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