Status Quo

"However people know things about themselves...I knew this.  And I was afraid.  Yet I wanted it more than anything."

This is where one splits between bulimia and anorexia.  I'm almost there again.  I know I focus a lot on how terrible the bulimia is (because it is) and how addictive, but once you cross the line it's just as addictive.  Maybe more so because you want it.  You know it's bad but you want it so much anyway.  You know that you can't live your entire life as an anorexic (unless it's a short one) but you so desperately want to try.  You're addicted to bulimia because it alleviates the fact that you ate when you didn't want to so let's get it out.  It let's you react with food and then erase.  But to not need it?  To just not eat?  To be so so so thin that people notice? That's the goal from the start when you were probably first able to walk.  Let's be honest. 

I don't think I can put into words what I feel when I think of the times in my life that I actually met diagnostic criteria for anorexia.  It's actually pretty sick how proud it makes me that I ever did when so many are 'only just' FEDNOT (or EDNOS).  It's sad that I hate thinking I'm 'only' one eating disorder over another. 

I fantasize about being anorexic again.  It slipped into being a goal once more... though if I'm honest it never stopped being the goal, I just took a break for outside factors.  I say it's the relapse, it's the stress and it's because it's easier or I'm addicted.... but maybe it's simpler.  It's the status quo.  I have lived more years in this fluctuating state than anything else.  It feels more normal with a constant war inside than to be without.  Dr. M once was helping me because everything was calm and easy in my life and I was more anxious than ever before.  She ended up telling me that I unfortunately had conditioned myself to only feel normal when I had an over full plate and more on my to do list than I could ever handle.  I think I may be the same with health.

The healthier I am, the more off and anxious I am and then anxiety and insecurity pair and game over.  I don't want to count how many relationships have ended due to that friends, family and guys.  Life just is easier when I just embrace it all.  Just say whatever happens happens.  Have faith I will never take it all too far.  Because life was never better anytime I lived my life according to everyone else's rules of health. 

So back to secrets by omission.  I won't lie if anyone asks.  It's been a really long time and no one wants make be feel bad by suspecting but it'll come soon.  I wonder how it will play out this time.

Secrets

I tend to follow a certain pattern.  I try very hard to be 'normal' or 'recovered' and then I throw in the towel for one of many reasons and I start relapsing or regressing depending on your definitions and then I start rereading Wasted.  It's the only novel I have read more than 3 times... this is probably close to my 10th or more.  I tend to read it at the beginning of a relapse/crisis and then toward the end.  The end I think in order to remind myself of how messed up it all is and to remember why I should not want to live this way.  The beginning like now?  I think it's because even though I know I am one of millions, I feel so very alone and not normal. 

I could be obsessive about exercise and healthy eating and find dozens to talk to and it be socially acceptable.  I could over eat, eat terrible and be over weight and find dozens to talk to and it be socially acceptable.  Not so much for someone who is stuck uncontrollably purging what they eat to the point that starvation is really preferable.  People in my boat are out there in lager numbers, but you can't just talk about it. 

I lucked out in a way finding J when I did because I truly knew I wasn't alone and I could really attempt to talk about my feelings with someone I thought understood.  I'm alone again though because she has been recovered from a much milder case than mine for 6 years now.  I have to keep how I'm really doing to myself from her now or risk triggering her.  I won't mess with someone else's progress. 

So I'm reading old faithful again because no one has published something I can relate to more than Marya.  "I had a secret.  It was a guilty secret, certainly.  But it was my secret.  I had something to hold on to.  It was company.  It kept me calm.". This struck me tonight. 

I miss being 'sick'.  I miss hiding it.  I miss justifying it.  I miss is defining me.  In the 2ish years I attempted (more than ever before) to be recovered and healthy, I felt so empty.  It was like I was having an identity crisis and I tried desperately to define myself in many different ways (including a very dysfunctional relationship).  But I missed the identity of eating disordered.  I missed wearing the badge.  I missed people knowing or wondering.  I guess it's just been such a part of me for so long.

I'm restricting because once again the bulimia is out of control, but really I can't wait for restriction to take hold and I also, sort of, can't wait for people to take notice.  I'll hate it when it happens but it will mean I achieved something on some level.  And no matter how many ways I achieve, that one always seems to mean more to me.   

It's not perfect, but I'm not dying

I couldn't decide which shows to choose to watch this year so I gave a lot a try and picked after the first 2 episodes which ones to keep.  One was Red Band Society.  I ended up keeping it and I have to be real so a big part of the reason was that one character is an anorexic girl at the hospital.  It just naturally fascinates me to watch someone act out an ED person.  It's just so rare I get to feel that 'we have something in common' truly relatable character feeling.  It's why I love memoirs.  But I think I was also into it because I often wonder how my life would have turned out if I had been 'sick' enough to raise suspicion and alarm when I was a teen.  If I had been put in rehab or a hospital early on, would I have really recovered? 

No one questioned my health and habits until I lived with a boyfriend (I dismissed the worries) and then took the first ones serious when it was my college friends my senior year of college.  Then I went into denial and no one worried again until it was impossible to ignore at work 4 years ago.  I was 20-22 the first times and they thought it was just bulimia that was the problem.  4 years ago the restriction became apparent but I was 28... a little late to work on all that...

I watched last night's episode tonight which really struck me.  If you don't watch, the character is in the hospital, who isn't actually doing much to rehabilitate but focuses on watching her intake and weight, and as soon as she fakes it enough and gains just enough weight they let her go home.  She then goes home and is under such pressure to be normal and eat that she hides in the bathroom and for the first time purges. 

It's was really hard to watch for me because I remember being that girl.  I remember going from addicted to eating my feelings to gaining weight to trying to fight that by not eating.  And I did that so well for years until the social pressures of being normal and eating were so much that I went home desperate after eating with friends I worked with at the Italian place and I broke.  I felt she mirrored me tonight when I locked myself in my bathroom, looked in the mirror absolutely hating myself in every way imaginable.  And then I saw my toothbrush and I remember thinking if only I could get it all out...  I didn't think I could put my finger down my throat (though now 15 year later I almost don't need anything) so I grabbed the toothbrush and purged for the very first time.  And everything was better and everything was worse and nothing would ever be the same again. 

I cried when it wasn't even a scene worthy of tears because if there was one thing in my entire life I could take back it would be that.  And this is from someone who has made so many mistakes one could wish to do over but that would be the one. 

I hate how much attention anorexia gets.  I'm not saying it's good, but you either deal with learning how to survive with some level of food or you don't.  The end.  Bulimia, however, is such a silent deadly horrible thing.  You can live with it so long and no one knows.  And that is why it is so much worse.  You do so much more damage for so much longer before anyone notices.  And in my opinion it is so much more addictive.  And when someone who restricts realizes they can purge when they give in, go on auto pilot or have to appear normal, well game over. 

The day I purged and decided I preferred it to the chaos that eating did to me and that it could also throw people off... well that was game over for me.  The problem with so many of the ED is that it's not just one you're treating.  It's several.  And they each need to be dealt with separately and differently but you have to figure out which one you need to deal with and when.  I could see a therapist every day and I don't think they could keep up with which version of me to deal with.  I guess that's a big part of why I figure I just have to balance and accept them and keep living.  It's not perfect but I'm not dying.  So there.

Who wants to be normal anyway?

It never stops to amaze me, though it shouldn't, how much easier life is when I don't spend all my time trying to be 'normal' and 'healthy'.  Things this year have been so stressful and I can't lie, the moment I threw in the towel on recovery for the millionth time everything was so much easier.  And I just can't blame myself for it.  It's human nature to give in when things get really hard.  I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore.  At the end of the day, the honest truth is this... I have been much happier while others would label me 'sick' than I have when in 'health'. 

I won't go overboard.  I can't handle random people making comments to me like 'you know it won't kill you to eat.'. But I'm more stable when I don't focus on being normal.  All I do when recovered is beat myself up about how not normal I am in my head.  I'm 31.  I'm not going to drop dead from some bulimic and anorexic tendencies anymore now than the 18 years on and off again sick.  ED kills many, but I seriously doubt I'm one of them.  I guess I'm sort of like a functioning alcoholic. 

An ED is seriously a screwed up addiction when you think about it.  For me it really all started with being addicted to food when younger.  I wrapped it all up with emotions and dealing with them until it was actually a problem. If it had been drugs the answer is to quit and never have it again.  But if you are addicted to food, you aren't allowed to quit it for good or that becomes an ED of itself.  It's like I'm a drug addict who is told I have to quit abusing the drug and learn to use it in moderation.  No one would ever advise that of a drug addict, but you do in fact tell that to people are ED. 

Maybe if I was more addicted to the starving it would make more sense.  Maybe that's what gets true anorexics, but for me it's more about not being able to handle my addiction to eating my feelings.  Then I feel guilty and purge and after enough time of purging I have to restrict in order to stop the cycle.  It's a terrible rollercoaster.  And at the end of the day I feel better restricting.  I know that these old habits I'm falling back into are not good, but they seem better than the alternative.  My head is too chaotic when trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. 

journey line

There are certain things that I have just learned to accept of myself when it comes to ED.  I've lived with it for way too long untreated to ever fully recover.  I don't mean that negatively but just practically.  No matter what part of the wellness spectrum I may be on at any given moment, weight will always be the first thing on my mind when I wake and the last thing I think about before sleep.  Even on a really good day.  Especially on a really bad day.  I will never love the full length image in the mirror.  I may appreciate the positives but I will never not see flaws.  I will never see food in a 'normal' way.  To someone who isn't ED this probably seems like excuses or not tying hard enough or giving up or just something they can't possibly imagine but it is what it is for me.  What I strive for each day is peace and small victories.  It's knowing that in this current onslaught of people obsessed with 'health' that I can't jump on that bandwagon because most of them are borderline disordered themselves and hiding it under the guise of health because let's face it... if I went in to see Dr. M and told her my diet consisted of primarily chicken and broccoli, that I ate virtually no carbs or sugars and that I did strenuous aerobic exercise for one or more hours a day... she would tell me I was relapsing... 

So I tune it all out and count it as a victory when I only spend a few hours a day thinking about food and weight and in the fact that I am idling at a higher weight than I would like and have not freaked and dived into relapse (which is my nature).  I have spent the past year focused on not letting anyone make me feel bad about where I am in my struggle.  7 years ago Dr. M would have probably thought I'd have been hospitalized my now because it didn't look good and honestly I came close a couple times.  So the fact that I never was is again a small victory.  I also spent the past year focused on my work and I worked miracles last year on a group of kids so behind that when the year was done I amazed myself at what we had accomplished. 

I've been promoted this year and there is completely new leadership and it's been a summer of changes and more to come.  Like most EDs I'm not good with forced change and so anxiety levels are high for me which is why I'm writing again. 

My job is where I shine.  It's where I can be amazing and all my own personal neuroticness doesn't get in the way.  No matter how bad a state my mental health is in, I can always do my job and it has always been my escape.  I have never been limited or handicapped by ED.  This week is the first time I have felt so and it has set me into crisis mode.  It's the closest to relapse levels that I've experienced in a long time and as I prepare to explain it I feel stupid because to most people it would so not be a big deal.  I'll probably come back and rewrite this whole post because I know I'm rambling.  Out of practice I guess. 

So new admin this year and the principal went through a program where her mentor suggested to do something called Journey Lines as a way to let the staff connect with you on a personal level and grow trust and emotional investment.  It works like this:  You draw what looks heat rate line that illustrates highs and lows of your life and you walk everyone through that in 7 minutes or less.  You are suppose to be very deep and let them really know why you are who you are and why your are where you are. 

She met with the whole leadership team and told us she was going to do it and then informed us that we all would do one and present it in front of the staff.  She did hers this morning and it was powerful and so purposeful.  My friend D did hers this afternoon and I was in tears because the big event I didn't think she'd choose to share (because I can't imagine doing so) but did is the fact that she's a rape survivor.  It was so amazing too.  But I'm to do mine Friday and everyone close to me has acknowledged how not me this will be and I'm in one of the worse states of anxiety of my adult life. 

It shouldn't be hard.  I'm not going to share everything because the label ED is not one I can afford spread around professionally.  I can't handle more eyes analyzing my size than I already deal with.  But I don't share emotional things with people period.  I mean D is driven crazy when I come home from a date and all she wants is for me to spill everything when she asks how it went and every time all she gets is "It was fine.". Drives her crazy but I'm very guarded about sharing my feelings.  Honestly I think it's because it takes me so long to figure out what I am feeling in the first place that I don't want to share prematurely and then possibly inaccurately.  Some people just feel and know what those feelings are but I don't and when I do they make me uncomfortable.  People with an ED are among the minority who can sympathize with that. 

Watching the two journey lines today made the anxiety level rise for me.  I have a fear of public speaking which is why I do trainings and such so that I can grow out of it.  It's good to do things that make you uncomfortable.  But this is that phobia paired with something that is just HARD for me.  Every therapist who has ever worked with me has spent so much time trying to get me to open up and talk about what I'm really feeling and not talk about life events purely factually.  And now, without knowing it, my new boss is requiring me to do something that is my worst nightmare.  I have to stand in front of 50 people (10 I have barely met, 5 or so that do not like me, 10 that I consider close friends who still know little about my personal background, 3 that know most of it and others that are somewhere in between) and talk about my life and how it has shaped me.  I'm beyond terrified. 

The amount of anxiety this is causing me is enough to have brought me to tears in front of D today (which freaked her out because I rarely let anyone see me cry) and she said I could totally not do it.  But to me that would be admitting failure at a job I never fail at.  It just isn't an option.  I can't admit weakness to a new boss and a staff that is to see me as their leader and expert.  And the stubborn side of me is just in self hatred mode since this shouldn't be such a big deal.  I just need to do it.  But the other part is that I'm not a dishonest person and I feel like omitting certain things is close to being dishonest but it is not smart professionally (nor could I handle it mentally) to air out all my dirty laundry.  Not to mention that much of what made me who I am are things that are not pretty for my mom who many in the district know and I can't bare to tarnish her legacy.

And on top of the anxiety of just doing this activity is that it is causing me to relive and revisit my life and painful memories and feelings... things I have spent a life time burying and ignoring because I never did learn how to just deal with the feelings so that I could talk about them without falling to pieces.  The word to describe my mind right now is chaos. 

I don't know how much sense this will make to anyone else but hopefully it will help me sleep better than the last few night...