My other, other life

I have 3 lives on FB.  The original I started 8 years ago during my last years of college which is my link to friends past, present, and future.  It allows me to post funny stories, thoughts, or other info of which I'd rather not share a million times individually.  It lets my friends share pics (bc I never have a camera) and gives a nice way for a group of us to have a conversation together without flooding our work email accounts.

I have a second account I started with my professional (legal) name which is my teacher only page.  I created it because people I worked with were requesting me and there are just parts of my life that are private.  Not that I'm ashamed or do anything wrong, but I live in the south (bible belt) and there are a lot of judgmental people.  Plus, the me I am outside of work has nothing to do with the me at work.

Recently I started a third.  I've been struggling with the fact that even I can't ignore that I have two me's that fight for control of my life.  The me that's always been here and the me that developed when ED started controlling aspects of my life.  So I started another account for the me that is ED.  I go back and forth from denial and reality.  There are times when I will argue that we aren't two different people and that I've never lost control and that it's not a problem.  No matter where I may be on the spectrum between the two, the fact of the matter is that there are thoughts and people that I couldn't share or be friends with on my original page that I can on the Alice one.  That kind of says it all.  I really admire those that I am friends with that have both.  I can't.  Too much to lose.

I often wonder about the girls that seem to have all the hundreds of us ED identities as friends along with their actual 'real world' friends.  How can they do that?  My friends would totally freak out.  Is it a generational thing?  I'm almost 30 and most of these girls are about 20 (a painful amount under).  Is it more widely accepted among peers now to be ED?  Or are these girls the exception that I just happen to notice.  I mean the vast majority of my friends on this page are using aliases like me.

Random thoughts today as I am stuck in my hotel room in the rain at a conference.  I also find myself with more time to sift through all the status updates on the Alice account.  This may offend some readers and please don't start an argument on my blog, but there are a disturbing amount of 'bigger' (overweight it appears but I've never seen them) girls on there.  I didn't notice how many at first because, like mine, their pictures are not themselves.  Why did it disturb me?  They are seeking advice to become anorexic.  I know I've discussed this to some length before on one and/or the other blog, but why on earth would you want to start an addiction?  A disorder?  Jump down the rabbit hole without knowing how to get out or how hard it will be to do so if you even can?

And I know I don't know them, but I can't help but wonder... Have you tried just cutting calorie intake and increasing exercise?  And stuck with that for 6 months consistently?  I've never really been physically overweight.  I say physically because mentally I feel overweight all the time.  It doesn't stop... ever.  But I have to think that if I were actually overweight with no history of an ED that I would try that first.  Going to no matter what we might say is basically a proana or at least supportive of ana social group seems like it should be a last resort.  Or not even that.  I'm actually pretty confused.

I joined this huge population of people on FB to remind myself that I'm not alone.  That I'm not crazy or a freak.  Most of the time I know this on my own, but sometimes I forget and don't see it.  Sometimes in the midst of huge amounts of therapy, between all your appointments with different professionals, while you're battling to 'work through' your issues, when all your friends are painfully obviously trying to understand you and support you while not enabling you, or during the periods when you are trying very hard to hide the creeping return of habits that won't die you can forget that you are not alone.  When I made my Alice account I felt very alone.  I needed to actually see the others out there like me.  Some worse, some better and all of us at different points of our journey.

Have I used it as a trigger?  Have I used it for diet tips?  Have I used it for exercise advice?  Of course, but I can do a google search for that if it's what I'm looking for.  And I can understand girls in the throws of ED looking for and giving support to other girls with ED.  They are in the middle of some of the worse parts of the disorder and that's understandable (to me).  I don't understand going on there as a non ED person in hopes that someone will help you become one.  I just don't.  And really I find it offensive because I would give anything to take it away (when I'm on the reality side of the spectrum and not denial of course).

When I started off restricting, I wanted to be thin.  I didn't want to be bones.  That crept in over time as thinner was never thin enough.  I'm in the middle of another 'relapse' now and struggle with the fact that it's 50/50 with people whether I look great or am too thin.  I was called 'sorta boney' by a guy I met the other night as in he honestly would have found me more attractive if I weighed a little more.  I'm struggling with staying here because when I look in the mirror and start to see bones I haven't seen in a very long time it's so enticing to keep going.  I see skeletal thinspo though and I'm disturbed.  I don't want to want to look like that.  But when I'm honest, I'm not sure how much control the me that thinks that has anymore.

So again, why would you want that?  Why would you start off the bat wanting skeletal (or saying you do)?  I feel like ana's are being used to some degree.  Like they (and I say they because I don't meet criteria for AN) are the next big fad diet.  Like their disorder is something to try and start doing like Atkins.  I hate this culture of I want it and I want it now.  If you NEED to lose weight and you are not ED then make better food choices and work out or just get some cardio in.  I say if you are not ED because it is more complicated if you are.  At one point I did need to lose a little weight and I did start off by eating a little less and exercising, but unfortunately I have a tendency to go overboard.  But right now I feel like ana has turned into a crash diet to add onto the list of yo-yo dieting that too many people try when the real answer is simpler.

In the spirit of my venting not too long ago about the double standard of overweight versus underweight people I have to say this...  Who's crazier?  Someone who started off with mild weight loss and issues that spun out of control and into an ED, or someone who straight up decides one day that they want to give anorexia a try to lose some weight?

Pro-choice/Pro-education

I feel like my two blogs are going to start to read very differently from now on.  I had major fall out after a couple recent posts on my open to friends blog and am going to have to keep those posts more pro recovery and positive and unfortunately at times less honest.  It's just easier that way, which is actually why I started this one anyway.  It's not that I'm pro-ana because I'm not.  I would never wish ED on anyone.  I am what I guess you could call pro-choice-ana?  As in it's your body so it's your choice just like my stance on some other body issues.  My friends however would see this as a sign that an intervention and hospitalization are in order.  Again I'd like to point out that if they have the extra tens of thousands of dollars, I'd probably give it a go.

I commend anyone and everyone who seeks recovery and treatment.  I myself have been in and out of therapy/treatment for years.  Just haven't gotten to the point that I'm truly going for just me or to where I can honestly 100% say "I want to get better and beat this."  I want to want to get better most days.  Unfortunately since I'm not where I want to be weight wise, I'm not willing to get there yet and still question whether it's really a big problem in the first place.

I was thinking today about how while I think it's your choice if you are content with ED, that as with drugs and alcohol early education is key in this decision.  I see so many very young girls on FB who are pro-ana.  This made me sad because I see myself in them... just back a decade and a half.  Eating disorders are a teen epidemic similar to teen pregnancy.  I have very strong opinions on how important sex ed is in public schools and it made me wonder what sort of education goes on about ED.  I know that when I was in high school we talked about it in one health class for one class period.  I remember exactly how it was taught.  We watched For the Love of Nancy.  What did I learn?  That my secret obsession about weight and starving was an actual disorder (so stay quiet) and I learned a lot of new ways to go about it.  I had a new name for my goal, anorexia.  The film didn't scare me straight.  It didn't make the disorder unappealing to me.  It sort of glorified it for me.  The movie and the following lecture really only tried to warn of the physical side effects of ED.  The shock value if you will.

Well as a 15 year old who had already been restricting for at least 4 years and depressed for lord knows how long before that and suicidal, telling me I might die or do permanent damage to my body wasn't exactly the way to get me to seek help or change.  I wonder if that's still how it works today, but hopefully at least with a more recent movie.

So the next question I asked myself today was, what would have worked?  I would give anything to be able to undue the things that caused the ana behaviors.  I can still see and hear my thoughts the day I met mia and wish that I would have not been introduced because she is so supportive when the seductress that is ana is playing hard to get.  But what would have made a difference by the time I was that 15 year old girl in health class?

Out of everything I learned then and later in college, nothing ever really focused on the psychological side effects of ED (which I realize were still in the process of being understood).  They didn't focus on what it's like in your head during and forever after.  That might have scared me into help thirteen years ago and I would have stood a much better chance at recovery then.  I don't know, maybe it needed to be real.

I was watching Thin the other day (I watch it often) and thought today about how I would have reacted to it then.  Now its comforting for me in a twisted way because they show, feel, and articulate so much of my thinking.  The first time I watched it I cried a lot.  The same as the first time I read Wasted.  I cried because they are me and it was shocking to see/read it.  At 15, when they weren't me yet, it might have made me see how much such a seemingly simple act can effect your entire life.  Maybe watching things like that or Dying to be Thin, Intervention, and various others would have made a difference.  Maybe not.  I can't tell because I perceive them now from the perspective of someone who has gone back and forth from ana behavior to mia (EDNOS) for 16 years.

I do know that I've yet to meet anyone my age that has just recently developed ED.  I know it's possible, but really I think you can still always trace the beginnings back to early teens at the latest.  So the time for education and searching for warning signs has got to start young.  I teach 4th grade.  I can tell you right now that my 9/10 year old girls come to me each year already aware of and/or worried about their bodies.  I've had many already on diets and actually tell other girls or me that they think they are fat and need to lose weight.

But it's a two sided issue because at the same time I have actually overweight and/or obese girls each year too.  We can't give the message that fat is healthy either.  It's a tricky balancing act.  Be healthy, exercise, and be mindful of what you eat but don't become obsessed and idealize a body type or weight that is not in your healthy range or possibility.  I don't want my girls to idolize Adele and her I'd rather be fat than not eat what I want when I want statements, but I don't want them to grow up idolizing Audrey Hepburn (like I did) if they are 5 foot or any of the current thinspo stars.  We teach about healthy eating and menstruation in 4th and I'm convinced that body issues and direct self esteem building need to start there as well.  I know many in education do this, but a lot of times people worry about what they are allowed to say or teach.   I, however, worry that education in middle and high school is too late for our girls.  

Intervention 2

I got a text from S this morning wanting to know if I was free at 5 because she wanted to talk.  I should have known what it was going to be about and I guess deep down I did.  We avoided the topic for a long while before she mentioned that she was surprised that I hadn't asked her what she wanted to talk about.  Of course I went to my go to statement/question "You're pregnant?!"  Wishful thinking...

She said she's not observant but even she couldn't not notice the weight I've lost.  I haven't even lost much, but I have been excersizing again so I'm dropping percent BF.  It was such a defensive horrible conversation.  There's no right response.  She (being an almost licensed psychologist) thinks I need major therapy and while we can argue all day about that the bottom line is that I can't afford it until September.  And even then I'm not focusing on the eating issues.  I'll go see a shrink about anxiety for the year and revisit everything else then. 

S just is so frustrated that I won't do it this summer when I don't have to worry about work.  I'm just not willing to give up my summer and live on nothing to try to scrape up enough money for therapy.  She was so worried about me that it pissed me off.  I even asked her point blank if she had ever talked to her friend T about being grossly overweight since she was jepoardizing her health way more than mine.  That sort of shut her up because of course she hasn't really. 

No one goes to fat people and tells them they have a psychological disorder and need treatment.  No one goes to fat people and tries to convince them that they could drop dead at any moment.  No one goes up to fat people and tells them that they are crazy.  But they do say all those things to very thin people.  It's a double standard and I'm sick of it.  I'm not sick.  I'm not even underweight dammit!  I'm tired of everyone being so damn worried about me or worse yet pulling away from me.

I want to scream, I'm losing some weight... get over it!  I'm not hurting anyone, not even myself.  I'm healthy as in doctors will tell you I'm healthy.  Stop ruining my happiness over progress and making me feel guilty for my lifestyle choice.  If I go ana then you can worry and rally the troops.  In fact you'd be shitty friends if you didn't.  But I'm not so BACK OFF!!! 

Okay all vented and ready to watch a movie, forget today, and go to bed.