It is definitely not a shocking revelation that I am not capable of seeing 'thinner' in the mirror. Nor is it surprising that a lower number on the scale does not trigger to my brain that I am in fact thinner.
I had a horrible Friday night and in the aftermath the rest of the weekend I realized I've seriously got to get my shit together. I've been playing chicken with my life for a long time now in all sorts of ways. I of course wanted to immediately place the blame everywhere but on the ED. So number one was, I need to stop drinking so much. But then I realized that I don't even drink that much and the sad fact of the matter is that if I ate and wasn't as thin as I am then, I wouldn't even be drunk when I did drink.
And then started the latest battle of the war inside my head because the ED side of my brain hates it when the logical side starts wanting to make some changes. I found myself trying to justify that I'm just not that thin, that I haven't really lost that much weight and that it is, of course, not a big deal.
So I did what makes total sense if you want to remind yourself that you are in fact still fat, pulled out the swimsuits. This ended up not being a great idea for my fat argument however because my swimsuits were packed away from the last move in October with all my bridesmaids dresses. My logical self then retaliated by having me try on all the dresses. Some (when I was biggest though not literally very big) were so ridiculously big that it wouldn't even be possible to alter without remaking the entire dress. But even the most recent one, when I would argue I was the same size as I am now, would need to be taken in. There was a dress my mom gave me for school (very business and classic) which I had never been able to wear when she first gave it to me because I couldn't fit into it. (Also not shocking probably to know that my mom in her youth was also what some would call too thin.) Then when I tried it on last year it was still just a little snug around the hips for comfort at work. Today it hung on me. And then the icing on the cake... my junior in high school prom dress... which would also need to be taken in at least an inch or two.
Actual physical unarguable proof that at 28 I am thinner than I was at 16... and I was very thin at 16. A big part of me felt a victory in this but there is a part that was disgusted and shocked. I guess the question is, can that part grow and become strong enough to make some changes... I hope so.
I had a horrible Friday night and in the aftermath the rest of the weekend I realized I've seriously got to get my shit together. I've been playing chicken with my life for a long time now in all sorts of ways. I of course wanted to immediately place the blame everywhere but on the ED. So number one was, I need to stop drinking so much. But then I realized that I don't even drink that much and the sad fact of the matter is that if I ate and wasn't as thin as I am then, I wouldn't even be drunk when I did drink.
And then started the latest battle of the war inside my head because the ED side of my brain hates it when the logical side starts wanting to make some changes. I found myself trying to justify that I'm just not that thin, that I haven't really lost that much weight and that it is, of course, not a big deal.
So I did what makes total sense if you want to remind yourself that you are in fact still fat, pulled out the swimsuits. This ended up not being a great idea for my fat argument however because my swimsuits were packed away from the last move in October with all my bridesmaids dresses. My logical self then retaliated by having me try on all the dresses. Some (when I was biggest though not literally very big) were so ridiculously big that it wouldn't even be possible to alter without remaking the entire dress. But even the most recent one, when I would argue I was the same size as I am now, would need to be taken in. There was a dress my mom gave me for school (very business and classic) which I had never been able to wear when she first gave it to me because I couldn't fit into it. (Also not shocking probably to know that my mom in her youth was also what some would call too thin.) Then when I tried it on last year it was still just a little snug around the hips for comfort at work. Today it hung on me. And then the icing on the cake... my junior in high school prom dress... which would also need to be taken in at least an inch or two.
Actual physical unarguable proof that at 28 I am thinner than I was at 16... and I was very thin at 16. A big part of me felt a victory in this but there is a part that was disgusted and shocked. I guess the question is, can that part grow and become strong enough to make some changes... I hope so.
