13 years ago I ended a relationship and was sure that there was a real possibility that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I remember telling L the whole time I was trying to decide that I knew I would never meet another guy that loved me as much as he did but at the end of the day I was ok with that because I just needed to be free. So I ended it with the first real boyfriend, first love, first guy I slept with... etc.
I stand by my decision. Maybe not how I handled it exactly, but the decision. I just wasn't the girl that could settle with the fact that I met the love of my life at 17. And when you see my sister, who did the same thing but married him and is so happy, it seems weird but that's how we're different. I just couldn't accept that my life adventures independently were done. I knew I would wake up later in life and slowly resent him for never being me by myself in adulthood. And I loved my 20's. I loved being single, being daring, being ridiculous so many times but at the end of the day, being me and learning who me was.
It wasn't an easy decision and at the time I couldn't articulate why I wanted to end it. My friends will tell you it was because he couldn't keep a job, let me pay for everything and was too jealous/possessive. These things were true to a point, but they forget the very end because I didn't point it out. The day I left him, he had a great job and we were doing great, I just felt claustrophobic. I couldn't explain it... I just needed out. I broke. I'd given him everything, except the rest of my life...
We still have mutual friends. And everyone remembers us as the perfect couple and I'm not going to lie, we really were. So lately my friend P who is related to his BFF's wife keeps telling me we should get back together. We're both single so why not. Apparently she says so to him too. Explains why a few of the girls reach out from time to time telling me how much they miss the old days. More recently even L who has been team me for forever has been dropping hints. Have you hear this, or this, or how good his job is, he has a house now, he's responsible. She never says I think you should think about giving him another chance because she knows how far that would go with me, but I hear the undertone.
He got on Facebook last week for the first time and L was telling me all about the stalking she had done and I just have to listen and avoid. Later that nigh around 12 I get an invite from him. I really didn't expect it. It's one thing for all the bystanders to reminisce about the golden couple, but for him to reach out when I literally ripped his heart out was unexpected. I'm not a cyber stalker by nature anyway but I couldn't even look past his profile picture. And apparently he and L talked about us both coming to a Halloween party at his house and she asked me about it today. Luckily I have the excuse of my annual trip to DM for cousin K's party but now I realize it's only a matter of time... Eventually I could see P and L just making a meeting happen thinking it's not big deal.
But how do I have the conversation I have avoided? Maybe we would see each other, smile and hug and everything would be cool. But eventually we'd have to talk about the end, right? How do I have that conversation? I loved you more than anything or anyone since, but I was 19 and couldn't allow that to be the end... I needed to be free and single and crazy and independent before I could be a wife and a mother... and I'm still not sure I'm built to me those things still. Maybe I was scared? But I really think I just needed to be me and I'm sorry I damn near killed you in the process.
I stand by my decision. Maybe not how I handled it exactly, but the decision. I just wasn't the girl that could settle with the fact that I met the love of my life at 17. And when you see my sister, who did the same thing but married him and is so happy, it seems weird but that's how we're different. I just couldn't accept that my life adventures independently were done. I knew I would wake up later in life and slowly resent him for never being me by myself in adulthood. And I loved my 20's. I loved being single, being daring, being ridiculous so many times but at the end of the day, being me and learning who me was.
It wasn't an easy decision and at the time I couldn't articulate why I wanted to end it. My friends will tell you it was because he couldn't keep a job, let me pay for everything and was too jealous/possessive. These things were true to a point, but they forget the very end because I didn't point it out. The day I left him, he had a great job and we were doing great, I just felt claustrophobic. I couldn't explain it... I just needed out. I broke. I'd given him everything, except the rest of my life...
We still have mutual friends. And everyone remembers us as the perfect couple and I'm not going to lie, we really were. So lately my friend P who is related to his BFF's wife keeps telling me we should get back together. We're both single so why not. Apparently she says so to him too. Explains why a few of the girls reach out from time to time telling me how much they miss the old days. More recently even L who has been team me for forever has been dropping hints. Have you hear this, or this, or how good his job is, he has a house now, he's responsible. She never says I think you should think about giving him another chance because she knows how far that would go with me, but I hear the undertone.
He got on Facebook last week for the first time and L was telling me all about the stalking she had done and I just have to listen and avoid. Later that nigh around 12 I get an invite from him. I really didn't expect it. It's one thing for all the bystanders to reminisce about the golden couple, but for him to reach out when I literally ripped his heart out was unexpected. I'm not a cyber stalker by nature anyway but I couldn't even look past his profile picture. And apparently he and L talked about us both coming to a Halloween party at his house and she asked me about it today. Luckily I have the excuse of my annual trip to DM for cousin K's party but now I realize it's only a matter of time... Eventually I could see P and L just making a meeting happen thinking it's not big deal.
But how do I have the conversation I have avoided? Maybe we would see each other, smile and hug and everything would be cool. But eventually we'd have to talk about the end, right? How do I have that conversation? I loved you more than anything or anyone since, but I was 19 and couldn't allow that to be the end... I needed to be free and single and crazy and independent before I could be a wife and a mother... and I'm still not sure I'm built to me those things still. Maybe I was scared? But I really think I just needed to be me and I'm sorry I damn near killed you in the process.
