6 years ago I taught a class of 4th graders and we became a family. Many I had taught in 2nd grade and most of the rest were my intervention students from 3rd grade. Basically my class had the least chance of ending the year on grade level and passing the state standardized test. They worked harder for me than they ever had and in return I invested in them more than I ever had of my personal time and more than I ever have again. There were few weekends and nights that I didn't have a birthday party, football game, soccer game, gymnastics meet, recital, etc. That group still considers me their favorite teacher and they all still keep in touch not only with me but with each other.
Thursday I received an email from H, one of those students who keeps in touch often to let me know how things are going at home and at school. She asked if she could come meet with me at school. Those kids are all sophomores in high school this year so when I told coworkers she had news for me they all sent my anxiety up assuming she was pregnant. The email did seem weird and it felt like something big, but she was never the type to get into a situation like that.
So Friday afternoon I was in my boss' office and I mentioned I was nervous about the upcoming visit. My AP walked in and said I had visitors. I asked if it was a high school student and she said yes and what looked like her family. Immediately my blood pressure spiked because I know her mom well and the fact that it was a family visit was not good. My AP mentioned I might be adopting a baby after all as I walked out to meet them.
We made small talk and caught up on the way to my office and after we sat down and they kept asking me about myself, I stopped them and asked what the news was. H looked down for the first time and said, "Well Ms. it's not good. M (her best friend from our class) shot herself and is the hospital but they can't remove the bullet from her brain."
I haven't felt that way since I was 15 the day my dad sat me down to tell me my friend had died in a car wreck. Completely caught off guard with the wind knocked out of me. I spent the rest of the meeting quietly crying but holding myself together so that I wouldn't break down. After all if my 15 year old student could brave coming to see her favorite teacher to tell her this terrible news so I didn't have to read it in an email, the least I could do is hold it together.
Sweet, beautiful talented M had been battling depression for at least 2 years. Shortly after her family moved her to a small town 60 miles away, she attempted an over dose and had been in therapy. Over the winter break it seems she found a gun at a family members home and earlier this week she waited until she was alone and shot herself in the temple.
She survived the shot until Thursday when she crashed and had to be put on machines. She was not brain dead though. The worst part of the meeting was that H and her family are very Christian and H was so sure there would be a miracle. I know crazy things happen against what science says are in the odds but the level of hope they had in the name of a miracle... That was also heartbreaking.
M gave in and finally got her wish later that night. Her body was intact and ready for about 100 transplants (so I was told). There will be a memorial this week I think, and I will see all of my kids for the first time. I thought that event would be two years from now at their graduation. That was how it was suppose to be.
I lost my faith that day when I was 15 in large part due to all the words people spoke thinking it made me feel better. It's not our place to understand the greater plan of our maker.
I'm one of the only people in M's life who actually understands where she was the day she pulled the trigger. The hardest part is I know the level of emotional pain she was feeling and it hurts me to know that she was feeling that. I wish so badly I could have talked to her and told her that I knew for a fact that it would get better. It wouldn't be easy, but it would get better.
She wasn't a teenager who was bullied or who had a terrible home life. She was someone who had a chemical imbalance who felt too embarrassed about the stigma of depression to even admit to her best friend why she was in therapy. There was no one she felt she could reach out to. She was me at 15 but no one in my family ever had a gun around.
Thursday I received an email from H, one of those students who keeps in touch often to let me know how things are going at home and at school. She asked if she could come meet with me at school. Those kids are all sophomores in high school this year so when I told coworkers she had news for me they all sent my anxiety up assuming she was pregnant. The email did seem weird and it felt like something big, but she was never the type to get into a situation like that.
So Friday afternoon I was in my boss' office and I mentioned I was nervous about the upcoming visit. My AP walked in and said I had visitors. I asked if it was a high school student and she said yes and what looked like her family. Immediately my blood pressure spiked because I know her mom well and the fact that it was a family visit was not good. My AP mentioned I might be adopting a baby after all as I walked out to meet them.
We made small talk and caught up on the way to my office and after we sat down and they kept asking me about myself, I stopped them and asked what the news was. H looked down for the first time and said, "Well Ms. it's not good. M (her best friend from our class) shot herself and is the hospital but they can't remove the bullet from her brain."
I haven't felt that way since I was 15 the day my dad sat me down to tell me my friend had died in a car wreck. Completely caught off guard with the wind knocked out of me. I spent the rest of the meeting quietly crying but holding myself together so that I wouldn't break down. After all if my 15 year old student could brave coming to see her favorite teacher to tell her this terrible news so I didn't have to read it in an email, the least I could do is hold it together.
Sweet, beautiful talented M had been battling depression for at least 2 years. Shortly after her family moved her to a small town 60 miles away, she attempted an over dose and had been in therapy. Over the winter break it seems she found a gun at a family members home and earlier this week she waited until she was alone and shot herself in the temple.
She survived the shot until Thursday when she crashed and had to be put on machines. She was not brain dead though. The worst part of the meeting was that H and her family are very Christian and H was so sure there would be a miracle. I know crazy things happen against what science says are in the odds but the level of hope they had in the name of a miracle... That was also heartbreaking.
M gave in and finally got her wish later that night. Her body was intact and ready for about 100 transplants (so I was told). There will be a memorial this week I think, and I will see all of my kids for the first time. I thought that event would be two years from now at their graduation. That was how it was suppose to be.
I lost my faith that day when I was 15 in large part due to all the words people spoke thinking it made me feel better. It's not our place to understand the greater plan of our maker.
I'm one of the only people in M's life who actually understands where she was the day she pulled the trigger. The hardest part is I know the level of emotional pain she was feeling and it hurts me to know that she was feeling that. I wish so badly I could have talked to her and told her that I knew for a fact that it would get better. It wouldn't be easy, but it would get better.
She wasn't a teenager who was bullied or who had a terrible home life. She was someone who had a chemical imbalance who felt too embarrassed about the stigma of depression to even admit to her best friend why she was in therapy. There was no one she felt she could reach out to. She was me at 15 but no one in my family ever had a gun around.
